


Twenty Years

by ioascc



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Affection, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eventual Romance, M/M, Minor Angst, No Underage Sex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Priest Castiel (Supernatural), Rating May Change, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Slow Burn, The Thorn Birds - Freeform, major angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:06:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 39,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22382308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ioascc/pseuds/ioascc
Summary: A profound bond between a Priest and the one he loves the most that spans decades. Father Novak’s love of God is tested by one Dean Winchester.A story of a priest driven by love and tortured by desire. All about forbidden love, heart break, and an eventually a happily ever after.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 72
Kudos: 96





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I hope you enjoy the first chapter of Twenty Years. This story gets its name from the song "20 years" by The Civil Wars’ from their album Barton Hallow & very loosely inspired by Colleen McCullough’s novel “The Thorn Birds.” (Mostly Richard Chamberlain as the sexy Ralph de Bricassart, seriously though... that man.) I am so excited to share this story with you all & I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> [Thank you to my beta, Feathers7501!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feathers7501)

November 28, 1996  
Dean

Ten dollars and twenty-three cents.

Dean had to make $10.23 last to next Friday and it was only Thursday. Shit always happened to the Winchesters on Thursdays, always. Whether it was a girl breaking up with him or his Dad getting fired from his most recent job… it was always on a fucking Thursday. That’s why when he saw a flyer for a free meal for Thanksgiving on the high school billboard, he knew it would come with strings attached.

In this case it meant the meal was free, but was served in Saint Augustine’s Catholic Church, a nondescript brown brick building built in the 1970’s

Letting out a deep sigh, Dean turned to his brother, Sam. “Ready?”

Sam responded by shrugging his shoulders. Dean didn’t expect much of a response from Sam, he was upset that their Dad wasn’t going to be joining them for Thanksgiving. They had left him passed out one of their beds, dead to the world from working and the few beers he had consumed for breakfast. Dean was just thankful that their Dad was currently employed. Dean didn’t want to go crazy with wishful thinking, but maybe they'd move out of the moldy motel room soon.

They had moved to Sioux Falls to be closer to Bobby, a family friend who had given John a job working at his auto body shop. Bobby Singer was a great guy, sometimes Dean and Sam would hang out and do homework at his kitchen table when their Dad was still working. It was the first time in Dean’s seventeen years they had ever been anywhere stable together as a family since his Mom’s death.

Dean and Sam got their plates from sweet little old church ladies and sat down quietly away from the other people.

“You boys new to the area?” A brusque voice asked.

“Yes,” Sam replied, “We’ve only been here a couple of months.”

The man in the clerical collar sat down, gesturing for more space against Sam’s gangly form. This rude priest was an older man, and mostly bald besides a horseshoe of white hair that went around from one ear to the other. He gave off a superior vibe and really didn’t care what the brothers had to say.

“Which Mass do you boys attend?” His beady eyes flicking from Dean to Sam. Locking eyes on Dean with a combative smirk.

“Father Fuller, Ms. Andrews requires your attention,” a deep rumbling voice breaks the heated stare down.

The Father breaks the heated eye contact with Dean.

Dean feels a sliver of satisfaction, he wasn’t going to back down from that dick.

Leaning back, his eyes flicked up to the bluest blue he’s ever seen. The eyes seemed iridescent, with a cerulean glow, like there was a light shining within him. The newcomer in a clerical collar gave a small smile, just a quirk of his wide and handsome lips.

“Of course, Father Novak,” the man simpers and leaves, but not before patting Sam on his shoulder.

“What a dick,” Dean hisses under his breath.

“Father Zachariah Fuller is unpopular with your age demographic. Correct me if I’m wrong, but was it his smarmy personality that you found phallic?”

“Uh yeah,” Sam answers plopping his spork down into his mashed potatoes.

“I see,” the man with the blue eyes nods, “Well, I am Father Castiel Novak. I am the Parochial Vicar here. I conduct Mass on Saturday afternoons at four, the six AM Sunday Mass, and then the nightly Mass at six. If you are not planning to join a service, I host dinners for the youth every Thursday night. You both are welcome to attend those.” Father Novak says handing Dean a small slip of paper advertising the youth group, “On Thursdays, we eat and usually just talk about schooling.”

“Um, yeah… thanks,” Dean says taking the paper and shoving into his Dad’s hand-me-down leather jacket, “We’re just here for Thanksgiving.”

“I see.” Father Novak nods solemnly.

“I’m Sam Winchester, and this is my brother Dean,” Sam pipes up and reaches out to shake the priest’s hand, “We go to Truman.”

“It is very nice to meet you, Sam and Dean Winchester. My youth group occasionally calls me Father Cas, you are welcome to do so as well,” Father Cas locks eyes with Dean. It’s intense and awkward, but Dean sees that the young priest is trying to be friendly, “I noticed you drove here in a classic car. I myself drive a 1978 Lincoln Continental. I am told by my youth group that it is a car driven by entrepreneurs.”

Dean guffaws and tries to cover his smiles behind his hand, this guy was hilarious without even trying.

“Pimps, Cas,” Dean smiles, “Pimps drive Lincoln Continentals.”

“Ah,” Father Cas frowns slightly clasping his hands behind his back, “Well, thank you for being so honest with me. It seems that my youth group has been less than truthful with me.”  
“I’d say so…” Dean chuckles and splays his hands out in innocence, “But drive what you like. My Dad and I share my Baby for now until we can save up for another ride.”

“Your Baby?”

“Yes, a 1967 Chevy Impala.”

“Ah, I believe I heard that car pulling up. Impressive piece of machinery.” Castiel smiles and nods, “Well, you two enjoy the meal. Let me know if I can do anything for you. And come to our youth gatherings, there are far too many females to males.”

With an awkward exaggerated wink, the odd young priest is off to speak to other people gathered.

“Well, he said there would be chicks.” Dean says jokingly turning to Sam.

And that is how Dean Winchester becomes pseudo-Catholic.

* * *

  
May 21, 1997  
Castiel

It’s a cool start of the summer, but the sheep still need shearing. At least, that’s what Castiel’s Uncle Richard Milton informs him one Sunday afternoon over the phone. He needs hands to help, and of course Castiel will be there to assist. He’s been assisting his Uncle Richard with every shearing since he was thirteen years old. Back then his muscles strained to manhandle the largest of the ewes.

Talking with his Uncle, his mind went instantly to Dean Winchester. The green eyed boy would be a perfect farm hand. He was strong, hardworking, and amiable. By far, he was Castiel’s favorite amongst his youth group. Without fail, Dean Winchester had attended every Thursday group for that past six months. Though, truth be told, Castiel had a feeling it was because Cassie Robinson also attended youth group.

He had become a friend to Castiel. Both Dean and Sam helped Cas set up for dinner in the parsonage and would stay afterwards to clean up, as long as Dean wasn’t going to hang out with Cassie. They’d talk about movies, books, and what was going on with their lives. Lately though, Sam had been missing youth group because of soccer practice.

“Have you finished 451?” Dean asks him pulling the ziti tin out of the oven.

“Not yet, I am going to attempt to finish it soon though. I am enjoying it tremendously. After Slaughterhouse, I find that your taste in books differs greatly from mine but I’m enjoying it nevertheless,” Castiel answers.

“Really? So what’s your favorite?”

“You are going to judge me,” Castiel grins.

“No, I’m not. You haven’t judged me when it comes to books or music,” Dean replies with an impish smile.

“Keep in mind that my mother was very religious and only let us read certain books that she deemed appropriate,” Castiel warns.

“Out with it Cas.”

“Wives and Daughters.”

“Wives and Daughters? What’s it about?”

“About a girl, Molly Gibson growing up.”

“That’s it?”

“Yes, that’s it,” Castiel laughs, “Well, it's more than that… it's just a book that makes me feel good.”

“Do you have a copy?”

“I do and you’re welcome to borrow it. But before I forget… would you and Sam be interested in helping me to shear a mob of sheep? My Uncle will pay you both, it won’t be much but I am sure it will be worth your time.”

“Sure, I guess,” Dean pauses, “But let me ask my Dad.”

Pulling a green hardback book down from his shelf in the living room, he hands it over to Dean, “I’m not sure this book will be as exciting as your normal tastes but you might gain something else from it.”

Seeing the old book in Dean’s hand makes Castiel smile. Dean handles it gingerly. The edition from 1899 is one of his favorite purchases from before he joined the priesthood. It’s not in the best condition, and some of the pages are foxed. Castiel believes that the best thing about the book is opening it to smell the flowery scent of vanilla and almonds.

“Are you sure you want to lend this to me? It's really old,” Dean says a little uncomfortably.

“Of course, I know you’ll respect it. Why have a book lying around that no one is going to read? And, it’s not my oldest book by far, the oldest is from 1889,” Castiel states laying the forks out, “Actually… you might like that one better. It is a bit more exciting.”

“No, I’ll read this one.” Dean says holding the book in both hands not meeting Castiel’s eyes, “I just… this is Sam’s sort of thing.”

Castiel pauses, furrowing his brow. He’s seen Dean with a bunch of paperbacks, mostly thrifted with really worn spines. He doesn’t understand why borrowing the book would be more suited for Sam. But before Castiel can say any more Cassie comes bounding into the living room, giving Dean a kiss on the cheek. Dean blushes beautifully, tucking the novel into his discarded flannel by the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The brothers take a road trip with Castiel.

May 23, 1997  
Dean

“I can’t believe we are going shearing,” Sam exclaims from the back seat, “I feel like that only happens in the outback of Australia or the westerns that you watch, Dean! I’m glad Dad let us go.”

“Seatbelt, Sammy,” Dean states looking behind at his exuberant younger brother. Dean is happy to see a smile on Sam’s face. He was having a rough time at school but it seems like Sam has bounced back since school let out. Castiel had picked them up from their skeevy motel room, much to Dean’s embarrassment.

Dean had picked out an apartment that was $345 a month. He thought that it was within their means, but his Dad only shook his head and said apartments came empty. Dean had even saved $824 from his part time job as a dishwasher. He thought that it would be enough to move out of the motel.

There are things that Dean worries about constantly. He worries that he’ll spend the rest of his days living out of fleabag motels, which he will admit... is a tad dramatic. But Dean honestly worries about money and worries if they have enough food for Sam to grow. He worries about his Dad’s drinking. He worries about Bobby’s patience for his Dad wearing out. And Dean worries that his father will get a tip about his mother’s killer any day now and they’ll be uprooted again.

Dean doesn’t want to think about leaving Sioux Falls. He doesn’t like saying goodbye to people, he prefers to just disappear, and Dean will have to say goodbye to Cas.

“I can assure you, shearing is nothing like a Western,” Cas comments breaking Dean’s melancholy musing, “It is a lot of hard work, but I started when I was your age, Sam.”

“You did? You’ve been doing this for a while then. How old are you anyways, Cas?” Sam asks.

“Twenty-six, this is my first year as a priest,” Cas says.

“Really? You are a pretty good priest for only being twenty-six,” Sam says.

“Cas is the only priest we know, Sam,” Dean deadpans.

“No, Pastor Jim is a priest,” Sam retorts.

“Pastor Jim is a Pastor, it’s different.”

“Okkkaaay, jerk.”

“Bitch.”

“That is an odd endearment,” Castiel says glancing between the two brothers as he drives.

“He doesn’t mean it, Cas,” Sam says flicking Dean’s ear. Dean swats at him and stares petulantly out the window. They are riding in Castiel’s Lincoln and in Dean’s opinion it handles like a barge. Nothing like his Baby.

“Dean, you can pick the music,” Cas offers peering over his aviators. It’s weird for Dean to see him in normal clothes. He’s long and lean, built like a runner. It seems a shame to Dean that he’s a priest, Cas would have made a good husband. He’s really good looking, nice, and not like any man Dean’s ever met. Dean loves his Dad, but Dad isn’t interested in what Dean thinks, just that he obeys. Cas is interested in his opinions and even if he disagrees he still listens.

Sometimes, when he's hanging out with Cassie... Dean wishes that she would stop and ask Dean about his day or do anything besides hooking up. Not that he would ever tell her anything important. Not that he ever tells Cas anything really important...but sometimes he thinks he should. He sometimes thinks that Cas could be his best friend in the whole world, even closer than Sam, if only he let him in.

“He’s going to pick classic rock, Cas... isn’t that against your priestly ways?”

“I don’t think classic rock is going to corrupt me in one evening, Sam. Unless you guys are going to listen to Led Zeppelin backwards and smoke marijuana,” Castiel jokes.

Dean laughs out loud, “Nah, man. If we were to corrupt you we would totally skip that and make blood sacrifices to Satan instead. Go big or go home. And don’t make fun of Zep, Stairway to Heaven was recorded with the best intentions and those assholes… sorry, Cas… those jerks totally corrupted it.”

Cas smiles at Dean while he fiddles with the radio, “As you say, Dean.”

The farm is about an hour away north of Sioux Falls, the brothers and Cas ride comfortably. Dean sings along to the radio which makes Sam groan and Cas fighting to hide his smile without succeeding. When Sam tells him to stop, Dean belts the song out even more obnoxiously while turning around and hitting Sam. That earns a full smile from Castiel while he attempts to tell the brothers to stop.

“Do you have any siblings, Cas?” Sam asks.

“I do, I am one of six and the youngest. Michael, Luke, Raphael, Gabriel, and James. I think if my mother was holding out to have a little girl, but Jimmy and I are twins… so I think we wore her out.”

“Are they all religious like you?” Dean asks.

“Jimmy is, he’s not a priest but he’s a devout man. You’ll meet Jimmy this weekend, my other brothers are not interested in helping our Uncle Richard,” Castiel answers.

“Why did you become a priest?” Sam asks from the back seat.

“That is a complicated answer to a complicated question, but to simplify it… I believe I am answering God’s mission for me,” Cas answers honestly.

“Simple Man” comes on the radio, ending their game of twenty questions because Dean belts it out verbatim. Sam and Cas eventually join Dean in the singalong for the rest of the ride. With the windows down, they fly by the fields and towns.

When they get to the Milton’s farm, Dean lets Cas know that next time they are going to take a road trip it’ll be in Baby. Cas replies that he would welcome a trip in Dean’s car, which makes Dean flush under his collar.

The brothers meet Richard and Amy Milton, who warmly welcome the boys into their home. It’s older ranch house, with three bedrooms and two bathrooms all on one level Warm wood floors stretch throughout the home and it's just cozy with furniture and knick knacks. The Winchester brothers are sharing a bed, like they always do. The bed is covered in a patchwork quilt and has fluffy pillows that Dean is looking forward to snuggling into tonight. The whole house smells like warm baked bread, soap, and wool.

“I hope you two brothers don’t mind sharing a double bed,” Amy Milton says showing them the room, “James and Castiel will be in the bunk beds in this room and Amelia will be with Anna. It's a tight squeeze, but I think we can all manage.”

“It’s perfect,” Dean states and he means it, this home is paradise compared to the motel.

“Anna, Amelia, and Jimmy are out back,” Richard states gesturing behind him, “I’m sure Jimmy will want to see you, Cassie, and introduce Amelia to you.”

Dean stops and looks at Castiel, who blushed bright red at the moniker. Dean and Sam don’t say anything but Sam smirks and mouths “Cassie” to Dean. They all follow Cas out into the bright spring day.

“Cassie!” Jimmy cries out and envelops Castiel in a sudden hug. He’s pretty much identical to Castiel, but there are still notable differences between the twins.

Jimmy walks differently, his voice is nowhere as deep, and it may just be Dean’s perception… but Jimmy seems shorter than Castiel. It's also not until Dean gets up close that he notices that they Jimmy’s eyes don’t have the same radiance as Cas’ eyes. And if Dean was going to be completely honest with himself, Jimmy doesn’t smell as good. Castiel always smells like outside, like fresh sheets hanging on a line.

They all meet Amelia, Jimmy’s fiancé and she seems friendly and welcoming to the brothers.. She’s quiet but seems to adore Jimmy. Jimmy is more jovial than Castiel, he talks more and is happy that Dean and Sam have joined them for shearing.

“There are 300 sheep on this farm, I am happy to see two more men. It’ll make the work less back breaking this weekend, that’s for sure!” Jimmy states in greeting Sam and Dean.

They all sit down for dinner after the polite get to know you conversations. Jimmy is in sales for radio time, Amelia is part time at a department store until she and Jimmy get married, and Anna is in seventh grade. Dinner is a hearty meal of stew and fresh baked bread. Dean can’t help but to devour it, the food is delicious and nothing like cheap spaghetti from a can. Castiel’s meals on Thursday usually fulfil Dean’s desire for real food. Dean eats so much, he almost doesn’t have room for the cake that Amy had made that day for them.

Some of them play cards afterwards, and Dean laughs so hard with Sam, Cas, and Jimmy that his cheeks ache. Anna seems like a quiet girl, she hasn’t really said much towards Dean or Sam.

When Dean falls asleep at the end of the day in the warm quilts, Sam curled up against his back, he’s the most content he’s been in a while.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An argument between brothers & Dean gazes at the stars.

May 24, 1997  
Castiel

Castiel wakes early, the morning light his only company. If he was home, he’d go on his usual morning run before starting his day with prayer. Not wanting to disturb others by getting out of bed, he takes his time gazing at the two brothers tucked in the small bed below. Fondness swells in his chest for both brothers. Despite their differences in age, Castiel feels like he has gained two very good friends.

Dean and Sam are on their left sides curled around each other. Dean’s arms are protectively around his little brother, his chin tucked over Sam’s head. The beams of light highlight Dean’s cheekbones and his plush parted lips. Dean is so beautiful, it makes Castiel’s heart ache. All he can think is the scripture, _‘His mouth is most sweet: yea, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, and this is my friend.’_

“Cassie,” Jimmy whispers from the bottom bunk.

“Yeah,” he whispers back.

“Run?” Jimmy asks.

“Sure.”

Castiel takes one last look at Dean and Sam, trying to imprint the peaceful scene on his memory. He gathers his running things from his bag and changes in the bathroom. The twins head out, staying silent in the early morning air. Cas allows Jimmy to set the pace. It is a merciless run, almost like Jimmy is trying to punish Castiel for something. They run four miles down the country road before Jimmy abruptly stops.

“You made a covenant to God,” Jimmy states harshly with his hands on his hips, “Not to mention he’s underage and it’s a sin to act on your desires.”

Castiel doesn’t even pretend that he doesn’t understand Jimmy, his twin knows him better than anybody in this world. The jarring words cut straight into his aching heart. Castiel catches his breath, closing his eyes and tilting his head up to heavens. He asks God to help him find the strength within himself.

“I am aware of all those things, I would never act on it. I am trying to be a friend.”

“Ok. I know you are trying to be a good friend Cas, but you look at him like you're trying to stare into his soul,” Jimmy cries out, “You will lose yourself before you know it.”

“I will not lose myself,” Castiel vehemently protests.

“Don’t yell at me,” Jimmy barks back, “I’m trying to help you. Watching you last night with Dean, laughing and joking, you are enamored with him. You are a Priest and it is best you remember that.”

“I am not enamored,” Castiel lies.

“Oh my God, don’t lie,” Jimmy says with disgust, “Don’t even lie to me. I have never seen you with anyone like that.” he spits, “You have let Dean Winchester into your heart and it is a sin.”

Castiel feels a whirl of emotions stir deep in his gut; pride mixed with anger, shame, and guilt.

“I’m not going to act on anything,” Cas states, his anger bubbling up, “I never would.”

“ _But for each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after that desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death_ ,” Jimmy quotes not breaking eye contact.

“You quoting scripture to a priest? Dean isn’t a filthy desire, Jimmy. He is pure and righteous in ways that you will never understand. I admire him and I value his friendship. It’s pure and I want it.” Castiel responds.

“Is it pure?” Jimmy asks, “Are you sure it is just a friendship for him? He doesn’t lust after you?”

Cas laughs outright, “Do you know how ridiculous you sound? You are asking me if Dean looks at me with lust?”

“It’s not unbelievable,” Jimmy snarks.

“Jimmy, listen to yourself, you are nagging me about an innocent friendship.”

“I am trying to warn you!”

“Okay, you have properly warned me,” Castiel states ending the conversation.

Cas looks out towards the fields, letting the noises of the morning fill the silence between him and Jimmy. The sweet morning air was supposed to be refreshing, but with angry words hanging between he and his brother… it doesn’t sit quite right in his lungs.

* * *

May 24, 1997  
Dean

Mrs. Milton makes a full breakfast for everyone; a huge casserole with eggs, cheese, tater tots, sausage. With freshly ground coffee and orange juice, even Sam eats three greasy helpings. While everyone eats Mr. Milton rounds up the mob of sheep to be sheared that day. Cas and Jimmy are subdued after their morning run. Dean tries to not take it personally. Maybe the brothers are not really morning people or maybe they got in a fight. Regardless of their moods, Sam and Dean try to keep the mood at the table happy and are eager to get the day started.

The shearing barn is a large wood building with a tin roof and a corral for the sheep attached to the outside. Inside the building, the pillars are made of smooth stone and large worn planks of wood make up the floor. Down the center there are the electric clipper stations hanging from a horizontal board. When Dean steps into the building, it feels like stepping into an old church and that if he looked hard enough he could find God.

Mr. Milton is patient in his demonstration of how to shear a sheep properly. He shows the boys how to handle the electric clippers and the angle to use to protect the sheep from cuts and nicks. The whole process takes Richard around three minutes. He sings along to the radio in the barn, which makes both boys smile. Mr. Milton watches both Dean and Sam while they shear their first ewes.

“Job well done, Dean,” Castiel says looking on with a smile.

“Thanks, Cas,” Dean replies bashfully.

The day goes by in a wooly blur. They take a break for lunch. They shear more ewes. They take a break for dinner. They shear more ewes. It’s not till the sun is setting that the men stop.

In golden light, Dean watches Castiel’s deft hands and the cords of muscles flex. His skin glistens with sweat and his shirt is plastered to his abs. Desire swells deep within Dean. He feels his face heat and his heart speeds up. He shakes his head feeling a wave of confusion. Averting his eyes from the Priest and scoops up the last of the wool to be put on the skirting table. Shaking his head clear and chalking it up to just a weird moment.

Dean and Sam tidy up, washing their hands in the utility sink in the tack room.

“You guys work hard,” Jimmy says patting Sam’s back, “I’m sure Uncle Rich appreciates it. We got a lot done today and you'll be able to finish up tomorrow.”

“Awesome, man,” Dean replies.

“I’m looking forward to showering,” Sam says wiping his sweaty face on a rag, “I think I got sheep poop on me at some point.”

Castiel guffaws, “You can shower first, Sam.”

“Thank goodness,” Sam cheers basically sprinting to the house. Dean can’t help but to laugh at his little brother.

Richard has them all sit outside on the back porch of the house, waiting for their turns to wash off the sweat and stink of the day. Dean doesn’t mind, it’s a cool night, and he’s glad to be out of the barn. He’s more tired than he ever is after training with his Dad. Hand to hand combat training is a lot different than man handling ewes all day long. He is pleasantly surprised when Richard hands him a beer.

“You earned it, son,” is all Richard says.

Dean thanks him and sips on the beer, staring up at the stars. He can see part of _Draco_ , _Ursa Major,_ and _Ursa Minor_. He points the constellations out to Jimmy and Cas, who both seem impressed and ask him to point out more. He finds _Cassiopeia_ and _Lacerta_ with a little more effort.

“How do you know all of this?” Castiel asks, a hint of awe in his voice. He’s so close to Dean, Dean can smell the hops on his breath. Castiel has never really been aware of personal space, but tonight the lack of space between them feels weighty.

Losing himself into the depths of Cas’ eyes, Dean shakes his head and clears his throat, “My Dad taught me. He use to stargaze with my Mom before he went to Vietnam.”

“That sounds romantic,” Jimmy comments and finishes his beer, “Cassie, you hit the shower next.”

“Thanks, Jimmy,” Castiel states finishing his beer in one long swallow. He smiles softly at Dean and goes into the house.

“My brother is a good man,” Jimmy sighs after Castiel disappears.

“Yeah? I hear a “but” in there,” Dean retorts.

“There is no but,” Jimmy levels his eyes at Dean, “I just wanted to let you know you that you have earned a good man’s friendship. And you shouldn’t take advantage of it.”

“Ok, sure. Thanks for the reminder,” Dean sasses back thinking; _What a dick_.

Dean goes to bed irritated at Jimmy. He stays irritated until Jimmy leaves in the morning to go back to work. The following two days are much like the former; ewes, wool, meal breaks, and singing along to the radio. They don't finish when Jimmy thought they would, which doesn't bother Dean. The bright side is that Cas seems to be back to his normal self now that Jimmy isn’t breathing down his neck. Joking, laughing, and talking with the Winchesters easily. When they finish up that last day, they shower in turns. Mr. Milton pays each of the Winchester brothers two hundred dollars cash.

They say their goodbyes and Cas drives them back to the motel. Dean dozes off about five minutes into the trip and wakes with a large hand on his shoulder. He dreams of blue eyes and stars.

“Dean.”

Gasping awake, rubbing his eyes, Dean realizes they are outside the motel. “Thanks, Cas,” he blearily mumbles.

“You’re welcome, Dean,” he replies softly.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heartache & 365 days.

August 7, 1997  
Castiel

It was a quiet Thursday afternoon and Castiel was arranging ingredients for the youth dinner that night. He was going to make one of his favorite meals for the group, beef tacos with homemade salsa and chips. He enjoyed being home and in his kitchen. The house was built in the 1970’s like the Church, but that’s where the building’s similarities ended. The house was some magazine’s famous floor plan and was considered very stylish at the time. In his opinion, the house was still stylish with the sunken living room adjacent to the kitchen and den. The home also had a basement recreation room, which suited his youth group or his bible study groups. The best part is that he didn't have to share his home with Father Adler, the older Father insisted on living in his own family home.

A knocking on the door interrupted Castiel as he was chopping the tomatoes. Looking down at himself, he supposed he was decent. No shoes, no socks, only old cargo pants and a worn National Parks t-shirt. Shrugging at his casual appearance, Castiel opened the door to the grim faces of Sam and Dean Winchester on his doorstep. His eyes flicked to the Impala parked in his driveway with their father standing next to the driver side, leaning his forearms on the roof.

“Sam, Dean,” Castiel nods at the boys.

“We’re leaving, Cas,” Sam grinds out shooting glares at his father of his shoulder.

“Leaving?”

“Yes, Dad wants to leave town, so we are leaving,” Sam says and then adds, “Though, I don’t understand why we have to go. He’s just making up some stupid excuse why we can’t stay.”

“Sam,” Dean states a warning in his tone.

Castiel looks at Dean, trying to meet his eyes, but the young man stubbornly has picked a spot on his floor to stare at.

“I’ve come to return your book, I finished it a while ago, just have been reading over some parts that I liked,” Dean says holding out the old tome.

Castiel smiles softly, taking the book from Dean. Their fingers brush and a jolt of sweetness and sadness runs through Castiel.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it,” Castiel murmurs. A thought flashes through Castiel, “Come in, I have something to give you both.”

Going to his bookcase, Castiel pulls out the small pocket sized novel he had once suggested to Dean. He then rushes to his office, shoving his business card, a handful of envelopes, and a few books of stamps between the pages of the small book. The poor antique book is bulging by the time Castiel has filled it. He also pulls out two of his clean leather-look journals that he uses to take notes, and two of his fancy refillable metal pens given to him by for graduation. Taking a deep breath to gather courage, Castiel hopes fervently that they’ll appreciate the gesture of the journals and that this is a good idea.

Castiel stops for a moment at his desk, bowing his head and closing his eyes, he murmurs a quick prayer;

_“O Christ Jesus,  
when all is darkness  
and we feel our weakness and helplessness,  
give us the sense of Your presence,  
Your love, and Your strength.  
Help us to have perfect trust  
in Your protecting love  
and strengthening power,  
so that nothing may frighten or worry us,  
for, living close to You,  
we shall see Your hand,  
Your purpose, Your will through all things. By Saint Ignatius of Loyola. Amen.” _

Looking up, Castiel hadn’t realized Dean had followed him into his office.

“That was a nice prayer,” Dean whispers clearing his throat. He rubs his eyes with his pointer finger and thumb towards the bridge of his nose. Castiel then watches as Dean sniffles and clears his throat, trying to meet Castiel’s eyes but being unable to.

“You’ll be ok, Dean,” Castiel states, though it’s tinged with question.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Dean murmurs, an errant single tear leaking from his eye. He angrily brushes it away.

“Keep going to school,” Castiel says coming around the desk.

“Yeah, ok,” Dean sasses back.

Castiel tuts and pulls Dean into a hug. The young man melting into him and clutching at his back. As if a switch has turned, Dean pats his back and steps away.

“Alright, enough chick flick moments,” he says and clears his throat, “You said you have something to give us?”

“Yes,” Castiel says scooping up the items from his desk, “I want both you and Sam to let me know you arrived safely to wherever your family is going.”

Dean nods taking everything into his hands inspecting the items solemnly, “North and South?”

“My other favorite, you can have it,” Castiel says. Dean looks like he wants to argue that he can’t take the book from 1889 but a car horn interrupts him.

“Thank you, Cas,” Dean murmurs as the horn blares once again outside.

“You’re welcome, Dean,” Castiel replies giving Dean a shoulder squeeze.

Walking through the house, Dean pauses by the door and stops. He turns to Castiel with a sad smile.

“Thanks again, Cas.”

Cas laughs bitterly, “You’re welcome, again, Dean.”

* * *

October 16, 1997  
Castiel

Castiel eventually hears from the two brothers, about a week after they left Sioux falls, Dean had called on his motel phone letting him know that they arrived in Tennessee safely. The call had been so quick, it did little to reassure Castiel of the Dean’s wellbeing. It had just made Castiel’s melancholy mood deeper.

He only hears from Sam every few weeks, short angst filled letters of growing discord between Sam and his father. Dean seems to always be the mediator between the two men. Castiel answers every letter, encouraging Sam and being as supportive as he can on paper. He can’t help but be disappointed that Dean hasn’t reached out to him besides that one phone call.

* * *

August 13, 1998  
Castiel

It’s been a year and each day blends into the previous day. Prayers, sermons, confessions, charity work, youth group, bible group with the elderly portion of his congregation. His work seems to have lost its heart. Castiel still receives letters from Sam and still responds to them dutifully. He looks forward to hearing from Sam. He’s doing so well in school, though he writes that Dean dropped out and got his GED instead.

Castiel questions whether this will be the rest of his life, he was so sure of the priesthood before he joined… but now, his thoughts are wavering away from God. The loss of the Winchesters seemed to cause a sharp ache under his ribs, and have taken the joy from his work. He can’t help but think of the poignant quote from Jane Eyre; _“…As if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly knotted to a similar string in you. And if you were to leave I'm afraid that cord of communion would snap. And I have a notion that I'd take to bleeding inwardly. As for you, you'd forget me."_

Castiel felt like he was bleeding out. Slowly.

No matter how many prayers prayed and pleas he cried out, he felt a loneliness that he had never felt before meeting the brothers.

He feels forgotten.

Castiel was sitting in his favorite chair by the empty fireplace, wrapped up in afghan that he had completed last Christmas. (He had taken up knitting as a suggestion from one of his little old ladies in bible group. She said it would cure his loneliness, it didn’t.) He jokingly refers it to his sadness afghan, every stitch a little sadness woven in, his overly dramatic rumination makes him chuckle darkly. He’s in a dark mood today. He never had a girlfriend, so this awfulness he’s feeling must feel like a really bad breakup. Castiel’s wallowing was clouding his senses so much so that he almost didn’t hear the thud of a package hitting his front door.

Sighing loudly, he unwraps himself clumsily and goes to retrieve the package. Groaning and complaining that the mail carrier probably should not throw packages against his door. Whatever was in there could possibly be crushed, which would be very disappointing. It was probably some sweets from his brother Gabriel, he was a renowned pastry chef in Chicago, those would still taste amazing smushed… but still.

The package is not the size or shape to be Gabriel’s sweets, but rather a slim book size package wrapped in grocery store paper bag and taped up with duct tape. He brings it inside quickly. Curiosity simmers in his gut, he doesn’t quite recognize the handwriting. His name in blocky capitalized letters on the front. Opening it up with his pocket knife, Castiel can barely hold back the whoosh of air that escapes his lungs.

It’s the journals, the ones he gave Dean.

With shaky hands he opens it up to the first page, the date entry is August 7, 1997 and it reads in the same capitalized blocky lettering; ‘Cas, I don’t know if I’m going to eventually give this to you… but I figured I could at least write in it and pretend I’m talking to you. Maybe you can hear me talking. Maybe you have some angelic priestly powers and your ears are on…’

Flicking through the first journal and then the second journal, almost ripping out the pages in his haste, Castiel sees that Dean has written to him every day since he left.

_All 365 days._


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam goes to Stanford, Dean goes home.

September 13, 2002  
Dean

Sam is going to Stanford. Dean knows this because he’s the one who stuck Sam on the bus to California. He was the one who emptied his bank account to give Sam every single dime he has to get Sam started properly. Not John, but Dean. He’s the one that hugged Sam a little too tight and choked back tears. He’s going to miss his brother, but he’s so damn proud.

If only his Dad felt as proud. Sam and John ended up in the biggest screaming match over Sam’s acceptance to Stanford. Usually Dean can play referee, but this time he was unable to broker peace between the two. He hadn’t seen his Dad this angry since he got sent to the boys home for stealing food or back when Sam ran away to Flagstaff. John Winchester is barely speaking to Dean, apart from barking at him to pass different tools in the garage where they both work..

It’s payday, and after a particularly grueling day with his father, Dean decides to quit.

It feels good to quit working with his Dad, quit being John’s whipping boy…to just walk away and get some space from his Dad’s oppressive misery. Dean lets his boss know he won’t be back. With single minded purpose, Dean goes back to the motel they share and packs up the Impala with his meager belongings. He’s grateful that his Dad gave him the car for his 18th birthday. It is Dean’s home and his only means of escape. He jots down a quick note to his Dad, letting him know he’s going to visit Bobby. He is beyond grateful he kept in touch with Bobby over the years, the man has become an Uncle to Dean.

At twenty-three, he feels like he’s finally getting his wings. He hasn’t felt this good since he hooked up with Lisa Braeden in Indiana three years ago. Even the bendiest girl didn't make him feel like he is right now - like he can feel the joy growing beneath his ribs.

Just him, the road, and his Baby.

* * *

September 19, 2002

Crashing in Bobby’s spare room is awesome as Dean works up the courage to go and see Castiel. They have exchanged so many letters in the last five years. (He’s received fifty-three to be exact, but counting the letters is a girly thing to do… so he won’t admit it.) Besides the initial journals, Dean makes sure he writes to Cas at least once a month, even if it's a quick story about the best burger he ever ate or something else mundane. Castiel is hilarious in writing, his humor is snarky and dry. He regales Dean of his “little old lady woes”; running out of yarn to knit his second sock, the fireplace smoking up the house, and tales of Betty. Castiel’s tales of the fiery 65 year old from his bible group who brushes her ample bosom against Cas on purpose is one of Dean’s personal favorite stories.

Being penpals with Castiel has given Dean an anchor these past few years. Through all the ups and downs, he can always count on a letter eventually. Whenever Dad dragged them to a new town, which wasn’t as often as Sam and Dean got older, Dean always made sure he set up his General Mail Service through the Post Office and sent Castiel a postcard to let him know what motel they were staying at.

In the beginning, Dean didn’t hide his letter writing from John. Not until John made the comment that Dean was writing as diligently as if they were love letters from the battle front to a lady love. Of course, he didn’t make fun of Sam for writing letters, just Dean and Dean hated it. So, Castiel’s letters became his little secret. It was better that way anyway, Castiel was his, and he didn’t want to share Cas with John Winchester.

“Going to see Cas?” Bobby asks Thursday morning over the engine of a ’71 Chevelle.

“Yeah, eventually,” Dean murmurs tightening one of lug nuts on the cylinder head cover.

“Boy, don’t you strip my lug,” Bobby snaps, “You know you’ll hurt the man if you avoid him anymore.”

“I know, I know,” Dean groans.

“You know he stops over here once in a while to check on me? You mentioned to him once that I may be lonely or some shit and now I have the embodiment of the Catholic Church popping in and giving me disappointed looks about my liquor bottles,” Bobby grumbles.

“He thinks he’s keeping you company,” Dean replies hiding a smile.

“Beside the choker, he is good company,” Bobby states.

“Yeah, Cas is good,” Dean murmurs wiping his grease stained hands on the rag.

His plan all along was to see Cas that night, after the priest was done hosting a youth group. Dean had mixed feelings about showing up at Castiel’s door, but he figured that it was the best way. He didn’t want to search around for a phone number and have an awkward conversation over the telephone. Just to knock on the door and watch the surprise on his face.

And Castiel was surprised, he was absolutely frozen in shock.

“Dean.”

“Heya Cas!” Dean chirped, “Aren't you going to let me in?”

“Hello, Dean… what are you doing here?” Cas stutters out, eyes round.

“Nice to see you too, Cas,” Dean laughs strumming his fingers on the molding around Cas’s front door. He watches Cas swallow and his eyes flit around Dean’s form. Dean looks down at himself, he doesn’t think he looks terrible… Army surplus boots, faded jeans, plain blue t-shirt, and a flannel. He’s seasonally appropriate. It’s not the greatest, but good enough to see a long time friend.

Castiel eventually shakes off his surprise and his face breaks into a smile, “I am glad to see you, Dean. Please come in.”

Castiel pulls Dean into a fleeting hug. Dean doesn’t know quite what he should do with his arms so he just pats Cas on the back. Castiel lets go of him promptly and Dean feels a flash of disappointment, he had imagined a different reception. Where Castiel laughed and pulled him instantly into a hug, where all of Cas was pressed against him in an embrace. But, things have changed… Cas has changed, there are laugh lines around his eyes and his hair is a little more tamed. He looks more adult than the image in Dean’s mind. More refined.

“Any food left? I’ve missed your cooking,” Dean comments while walking into Castiel’s cozy home. It’s exactly as Dean remembered. Warm tones, old leather couches with heavy wooden tables and bookcases, and a threadbare paisley rug. It smells so good, like food and cleanliness. The only noticeable difference is the vintage folding knitting bag by Castiel’s overstuffed chair which is next to the fireplace. Dean plops down into the chair and picks up what seems to be a sock cuff on three pointy needles.

“We had lasagna tonight,” Castiel says staring at Dean, “I could warm that up for you.”

“That would be perfect!” Dean states following Castiel into the kitchen. Castiel is acting weird, almost flustered by Dean’s presence.

“I didn’t think I’d ever see you again,” Castiel murmurs quietly fiddling with the spatula, “You’ve grown. So tall.”

“If you think I’ve grown, you should see Sam! The bastard is 6’4’’! He basically grew overnight, I had to scramble to clothe the kid,” Dean chuckles taking the spatula from Castiel’s hand and scooping out his own serving of lasagna, “I don’t know if I mentioned that he grew that much in my letters.”

“You did, Dean,” Castiel says stepping back and gazing over Dean’s form, “You didn’t mention that you grew too. We were the same height the last time I saw you.”

“That was a while ago,” Dean replies licking the pasta sauce off his thumb, “Man, I really missed your cooking. I’ve survived on diner food, instant noodles, and pizza these past few years.”

“I’ll have to cook for you again, another night before you leave. How long are you staying in Sioux Falls?”

“I don’t plan on leaving any time soon,” Dean states and whispers more to himself, “I don’t really know what to do since Sam left to go to Stanford.”

The microwave dings and Dean pulls out his steaming plate of cheese, meat, something green, and pasta. Saved by the bell, Dean thinks. Castiel still has no respect for personal space, not that Dean minds, it’s nice to feel someone’s presence. Cas is so close that he can feel his warmth radiating from him. Even with the few scant inches between them, Dean can tell the Cas is keeping up his morning runs, he doesn’t have a spare ounce of body fat. He’s strong and warm and sturdy and Dean just wants to collapse into his arms.

Since he dropped Sam off at the bus, Dean has been starving for physical affection. Sam leaving had been a drastic change for Dean. It’s left a hole in his gut that he can’t quite fill with one-night stands. The two brothers had shared a bed up until Sam’s departure. Not that the two men would snuggle up every night, Sam had started refusing to be Dean’s little spoon right around when he turned sixteen.

“What’s green?” Dean asks poking it with its fork.

“Spinach, eat it. It’s good for you,” Castiel commands sitting down next to him at the oval kitchen table. Dean grumbles but eats the lasagna with gusto, sighing and moaning that the food is so good every few bites.

“Do you want to continue working on cars?” Castiel asks, his blue eyes locking on to Dean’s green.

Dean squirms under his gaze, “I don’t really know, Cas. I feel like I don’t really get to do what I want.”

“If you could do anything, what would you be doing?” Castiel asks patiently. He watches Dean fiddle with his fork and take a couple bites of lasagna.

Dean doesn’t think too hard, “Growing up, I always thought I wanted to be a fireman.”

“I can help you there,” Castiel states nodding his head, running with the idea and overwhelming Dean with information, “My brother Michael is a local Assistant Chief. The process is not too onerous. . First you must pass a written test, then you take the IPAT which is a physical ability test. You will have to have a psychological evaluation, a background check, and a medical examination, but you’ll do fine with all of that. You also attend the academy which lasts 13 weeks where you undergo the practical training.”

“Whoa,” Dean replies, “And how do you know all of this?”

“One of my youth group members was interested in becoming a firefighter at one point, so I researched the process for her, though she changed her mind and works for the Sheriff now. I also know Sheriff Mills, if you also change your mind,” Castiel states getting out pen and paper, “Here is Michael’s number, he’ll be more than happy to walk you through a day in the life of a firefighter. I’ll also get you a study guidefor the Civil Service Exam.”

“Cas, hold up… you just vomited all of this information at me,” Dean states holding onto Cas’s right wrist while he’s writing, “There is a difference between being ten years old and wanting to be a firefighter and reality.”

“Is there?” Cas asks, putting his other hand on top of Dean’s and enclosing Dean’s hand, “You know what you want to be doing, Dean. It took you all of 10 seconds to come up with your ideal vocation. You just need someone in your corner who believes in you. You have been putting all of your energy into raising Sam and you’ve done a very good job. Sam’s at Stanford with a scholarship. It is time to focus on you and I am here to help.”

“I guess I’m becoming a firefighter… huh?” Dean laughs tinged with deprecation.

“You are,” Castiel replies with a smile that makes his blue eyes shine, “And you are going to be great. I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

“I really can’t fail with you helping me, Cas. You’ve got it in good with the big man,” Dean jokes pulling his hands away and gets up. He rinses and washes his dish and puts it with the others in the drying rack. He can feel Cas’ eyes on him the entire time, it is an affectionate gaze.

“You will not fail, Dean, because you are brilliant in your own right,” Castiel responds with such confidence that it takes Dean’s breath away.

“Ok.”

“Come here, I would like a do-over,” Cas sighs pulling Dean into another hug. It is the hug Dean expected. Castiel’s shorter frame pressed up against his, arms anchored on his back, and eyes closed.

A real hug. A coming home hug.

“I’m so glad you are home, Dean,” Castiel murmurs into Dean’s neck. His lips ghosting against Dean’s skin.

Clearing the emotion from his throat and relaxing into Cas’ arms, Dean responds; “Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has been reviewing & leaving kudos! It is so encouraging to know you guys are enjoying the story.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confessions & Sam comes home for Christmas.

December 14, 2002  
Castiel 

Never in his wildest dreams had Castiel imagined himself sitting shotgun in the Impala with Dean at the regional airport early Saturday morning. The engine purring, Blue Öyster Cult playing in the tape deck, with Dean singing along and drumming his long tapered fingers on the steering wheel. While they are waiting for Sam’s flight to get in, Castiel finalizes his sermon for that evening. He was going to read it out to Dean when it was finished , like he always did on Saturday mornings. 

Having Dean home has breathed new life into the day to day monotony the past few months. Castiel looks forward to seeing Dean nearly every Thursday night and most Saturday mornings, unless Dean has to work. Looking at his friend, he couldn’t help but notice the change from the seventeen year old boy he knew.

He is a man now, Castiel thinks gazing at Dean. In September, Castiel was shocked seeing Dean and that shock still lingers. Shock, reverence, arousal, and affection ignite in Castiel every time he looks at the other man. With good reason, Dean’s physique has changed so much in five short years. Dean is achingly handsome, with his broad shoulders, muscled arms, strong working hands, and a five o’clock shadow on his cheeks and jaw. His voice is deep, every time he talks it pours over Castiel like a fine smokey whiskey. Castiel does take comfort in the features that have remained the same. Dean’s eyes are the same, a breathtaking grass green with gold flecks. His freckles are still peppered across his nose and cheeks. Dean’s lips are the same, plush and obscenely beautiful. 

To top it all off, Dean’s a firefighter now. Castiel could kick himself for having a hand in creating every woman’s fantasy. 

He should have suggested a vocation like working at the water treatment center, it would have made Dean slightly less popular with the ladies of Sioux Falls. Smelling like fecal waste would have slowed Dean’s amorous pursuits down a little. 

At least one woman from his congregation confesses to having premarital sex with Dean every few weeks. Why do the women have to say Dean’s name… he’ll never understand. It's not like Castiel needs to know who these women are having sex with Dean or any other man. He might lose his patience if he hears another woman whisper breathlessly, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I had carnal relationships outside of the confines of marriage with Dean Winchester. ” 

Not only does Dean come up in confessions, but Castiel overhears conversations.

He was minding his own business at the high school’s fundraiser, when he overhead the one woman tell another that Dean Winchester was the best sex of her entire life. Castiel heard in detail all of what Dean’s tongue could do. How he flicked her clit and used his skillful tongue ‘till she was panting his name. How beautiful, thick, and long Dean’s dick was. How it perfectly curved up to touch his belly button when he was fully aroused. How the head of his penis was the color of those “fuck me” lips. That Dean was adventurous enough to even let her put a few fingers in his ass. How she came three times in one night and Dean fucked her so good she walked funny the next day.

He was frozen with embarrassment in the craft booth, clutching a worsted weight alpaca yarn to his chest underneath the table where he had dropped it, while he battled his own growing arousal.

It did not help that Dean arrived shortly after bringing Castiel the knitting needles he needed from home. After hitting his head hard getting up from under the table, Cas’ face was so red that Dean thought he was having a heat stroke. Castiel then had to suffer Dean mother-henning him, by plucking the fuzzy alpaca hairs from his chest. Dean’s hands brushing over Castiel’s shoulders, chest, and his sensitized nipples to get the alpaca flyaways off his clerical black. 

If Hell could have opened up and swallowed him right then and there, Castiel would have been grateful. 

But Hell did not swallow Castiel and he had to suffer as he continued overhearing women talk about Dean’s prowess in bed. It happened far more than Castiel would like. Whispers of Dean Winchester in the grocery store, the local used bookstore, and the gym.

Dean Winchester was a ladies’ man. 

It got to the point where Castiel had to say something to Dean about his sexual safety. Dean laughed at him for a solid five minutes. Castiel could not see the funny side. He was worried that Dean would wind up with the clap, or something worse, and he let Dean know that he needed to be more particular about his sexual partners. That made Dean laugh even harder. Through his laughter, Dean let Castiel know that he always used protection and got tested regularly. Castiel dropped the conversation after that, he couldn’t bring it up without Dean laughing hysterically at him. Despite Dean’s lackadaisical attitude toward Castiel’s concerns with his sexual health, Dean was incredibly thoughtful towards Castiel. 

Every Saturday morning they’d go out and get breakfast together, Castiel working on his final edits of his sermon and asking for Dean’s input and suggestions. They’d sit and work together quietly, sipping coffee and enjoying the early morning. Dean knew Castiel needed a live run through at least once before delivering the sermon Saturday night. 

Which is how Castiel ended up in the Impala with a box of donuts and coffee, instead of sitting in their usual diner. 

“You should use a different verse,” Dean commented, “That one sounds weird.” 

“You think?” Cas frowns, “I thought it worked.” 

“Nah, use something people would be more familiar with,” Dean states sipping his coffee, “Something from the book of Song of Solomon. You’re talking about love, don’t need to quote from Colossians.” 

“You just like it,” Cas scoffs taking a swallow from his own coffee. 

“Yeah, it’s poetry and it is the best,” Dean retorts. 

Castiel mumbles underneath his breath about seminary school and who actually went while searching through his study bible to replace the verse. He can see his breath in the Impala, though the car is pushing out heat, it’s a dry fifteen degrees outside. The two of them are bundled up in their coats, gloves, scarves, and beanies. Dean in the new hunter green knitted set that Castiel had made him. The knitted hat pulled down to cover the tips of Dean’s ears. It’s adorable and warms Castiel’s heart to see Dean in something he made himself. 

“I wish it would snow, if it's going to be this cold… it should snow,” Dean grumbles. 

“Then you’d be wet and cold,” Castiel replies. 

“Sam is going to regret coming here for Christmas. It’s probably nice there. Warm,” Dean shivers sipping his coffee. 

“The high today in Stanford is fifty-eight, I checked,” Castiel absentmindedly states while tapping his pen to his bottom lip. 

“Well, fuck,” Dean swears, “Sam is going to freeze his nuts off.” 

“Language, Dean,” Castiel scoffs at Dean with a small smile, he can’t help but laugh at Dean’s foul language and adds; “I knitted Sam some things when you told me that he was coming here for Christmas. I also brought a coat that will fit him. The jacket drive at the church was fruitful this year. It’s all in the backseat.” 

“Thanks, Cas. You’ve saved his bacon,” Dean laughs and checks his watch, “He should be touching down now. You should eat the last Bavarian Cream. It’ll be completely wasted on Sam, he’s all into healthy food now.” 

Dean doesn’t have to tell Castiel twice, Bavarian Creams are his favorite. Something about the filling is beyond delicious. He was never allowed decadent sweets growing up, so he enjoys his desserts with gusto. His mother would be appalled if she could see him now. The thought makes him smile.

He’s busy enjoying his donut when some of the filling ends up on the edge of his mouth. Before he can lick or wipe it off, Dean swipes it off his face with a finger and promptly sucks that finger between his own lips to clean it. Frozen, Castiel watches Dean suck on his own finger. He pops it out of his mouth with an audible pop accompanied by a mischievous smirk and wink. 

“You are just like a scene out of a really bad porno. Making those moaning sounds. The donut squirting out like that,” Dean laughs, his eyes bright and cheeks tinged pink. 

“What?” Castiel chokes out, instantly flushing. 

“Oh come on Cas,” Dean laughs, “It was a joke.” 

Castiel huffs and shifts, putting the rest of the donut into his mouth. He can’t even look at Dean right now. He takes a swallow of his coffee and prays for his blood to cool. Ever since he heard those women gossiping at the fundraiser, it’s been difficult to keep his arousal in check. He’s had so many cold showers since that day, willing his body to fall into line. It has not been easy. His body remembers the ecstasy of touching himself when he was younger. It was bliss in the moment, but he always felt guilty the next day. God, if only he could just reach down and touch himself. Ease some of the tension that has been growing, but the Church has been very clear on their views. 

“Cas,” Dean hesitantly reaches out and touches his shoulder, “I’m sorry, man. I forgot.”

“You forgot that I am a priest?” Castiel snaps, his emotions at war with themselves. 

“Yes, I do. I won’t make jokes like that anymore. I forget myself. You are my best friend and I’m real sorry,” Dean says squeezing his shoulder. 

“Thank you,” Castiel murmurs. He reaches up and pats Dean’s hand, grasping it softly before Dean takes it away from his shoulder. 

“Oh! There’s Sam!” 

Dean bounds out of the car and pulls his brother into a hug. The two brothers quickly get back into the car, Sam throwing his stuff in the backseat first and getting in hurriedly. 

“Cas! It’s so good to see you,” Sam says with a smile that goes from ear to ear. He pulls Castiel’s neck into a hug from behind, patting his chest and sitting back. “It’s cold! I forgot how cold it gets here,” Sam laughs rubbing his hands together and blowing on them. 

“Cas made a scarf, mittens, and a beanie for you,” Dean says proudly, “They should be back there.” 

“Hell yes!” Sam cries pulling them on, “Thank you, Cas! These are awesome. Merry Christmas to me.” 

“Merry Christmas, Sam, I hope you like them,” Castiel smiles watching Sam pull on the aforementioned items. 

“You even put a pompom on the top,” Sam laughs squeezing the top. He pulls on the beanie and shakes his head around to make the pompom move. 

“What? You get a pompom?” Dean cries swiping at the red pompom on top of charcoal beanie. “I didn’t get a pompom!” 

Dean tried to swipe the beanie off of his head, Sam laughing and dodging out of Dean’s reach. 

“I didn’t think you would like one,” Castiel says getting out of the way of their game. 

Laughing Dean grabs the beanie off Sam’s head and then throws it back to his brother. A huge smile makes the corners of his eyes crinkle. He turns to Castiel, ruffles his hair, and turns to drive. 

“You guys want lunch?”

“Sure! I could eat,” Sam states. 

“I could be convinced,” Castiel says smoothing his hair down. 

“Your hair looks better a little wild, Cas,” Dean says ruffling him up again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Midnight Mass and Christmas

December 24, 2002  
Dean

It had been years since Dean had stepped into Saint Augustine’s. Surprisingly, Sam convinced not only Dean, but Bobby and John to attend Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. Castiel mentioned that he was giving the sermon and Sam insisted that they all go to support him.

So here he was, supporting Cas on Christmas Eve. Slumped down on the hard wooden pews, in between his brother and his father. Picking at the little golden flours sewn into the fabric of the worn out cushion beneath him.

It was the most awkward Christmas Eve in the history of ever. His father was irritated at both he and Sam for leaving and yet he still insisted on seeing them for Christmas. With Mary’s death having been in November, the holidays had always been hard for the Winchesters. Her death overshadowed everything.

The truth of it… their entire lives have been ruled by Mary’s death. He really didn’t like to think about it but the older he got, and the more he worked toward building a home in Sioux Falls, the more he resented his father for their upbringing.

John Winchester had followed the trail of the so called “Nursery Killer” for Dean’s entire life. Dragging the boys from town to town, following a trail of tears and grief each time the killer hit another family. The scene was the same each time, a six month old baby in the crib with the mother dead on the floor nearby. Her gut sliced open and uterus ripped out. Dean couldn’t forget the sight. He was only four but he’d never forget the way she whispered, “It’s ok, Dean. Angels are watching over you” for the very last time. How he cried and screamed for his Mommy to wake up until his father did from downstairs.

For years every time he closed his eyes, he saw his mother in a pool of her own blood. Saw the way her blue eyes dimmed and stared eerily out past Dean.

The victims were always eerily similar. The woman was always blonde, late twenties to early thirties, with a son or daughter exactly six months old. It had been nineteen years since the first ritualistic killing and the FBI were finally closing in on his mother’s killer and his father had a compulsion to be wherever they caught him.

As voices lifted in song filled the church, all thoughts of murder left Dean’s mind. He was in a Holy place, waiting for his friend to proceed through the chapel and begin the service.

As Castiel became visible, slowly striding up to the Pulpit, Dean felt like someone had punched him in the gut. The whole place was lit gently with candles and Christmas decorations. There was incense in the air, and there was Cas at the center of it all. The beauty of the scene caused a pang in Dean’s chest. He couldn’t explain it, but it felt like Cas was too far away from him. Castiel looked nothing like the man he spends his Thursday nights and Saturday mornings with. Castiel looked so austere and official. His voice commanded respect. His hair was tamed (for once) and his face was a mask that lacked his normal animation.

He wanted to reach out across the congregation and pull Cas to his chest. Leave this place. Cas didn’t belong in this stuffy church. He belonged across from Dean in a diner, eating his french fries and sassing Dean back. Cas belonged curled up under a blanket with Dean, watching westerns and misquoting movie lines. Cas belonged in the kitchen, dancing while they made grilled cheese sandwiches.

Dean squirmed uncomfortably throughout the entire service. Adrenaline was coursing through him, he could hear the tattoo of his heart in his ears. With his entire being, he wanted to grab Castiel and flee the church.

Dean quickly learned that the full Mass was not for him. When Cas practiced his sermon on Saturdays, he read the main message that he wanted to impart to his flock. Dean never realized that the actual Mass there was a lot more ceremony - a lot more prayer, singing, reading from the Bible, standing, kneeling, and more praying.

In the midst of the ceremony, he missed what Cas was really saying.. When it was finally over, Dean almost sprinted to the door. He had made up his mind and hated everything to do with Mass. A steadying hand from Sam grounded him.

“You alright?” Sam whispered, “You're all pale and sweaty.”

“I’m fine,” Dean bit out.

Bobby was talking to Ellen Harvelle, while the Winchester brothers tried to wait patiently. Dean’s skin began itching, so naturally he blamed it on his new button down and the thick corduroys that he had bought for the occasion. Under the excuse of warming up the car, he and Sammy started making their way out of the church. In the atrium, Dean saw that Cas was shaking hands with his congregation and wishing them all a good night. Before he knew it, he was steering himself through the crowd making a beeline for Cas.

“Dean,” Cas beamed pulling the younger man into a hug, “I didn’t know you were going to attend tonight. I am so happy to see you, Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas,” Dean mumbled into Cas’ hair, melting into the hug. The itchiness forgotten.

Cas was still in his full vestments. It didn’t suit him.

“Merry Christmas, Sam,” Cas stated letting Dean go and pulling Sam into a hug.

When Cas let Sam go, Dean couldn’t help to shift closer again to Cas. He almost felt like a child, wanting to pull on Cas’ robes to get his attention. He couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and touching the embroidered stole. Cas smiled, gathering Dean’s hand in both of his and squeezing gently. The two of them stood there for a breath, Cas searching Dean’s face for something before dropping their hands between the two of them.

“Dean,” Cas broke the silence gazing into Dean’s eyes, “What are you and Sam doing tomorrow evening for Christmas? I would love both of you to come over, my brother Gabriel is in town with his wife Kali.”

“We aren’t doing anything,” Dean replied softly.

“That settles it,” Cas smiled softly, reaching up tying Dean’s scarf securely around his neck, “You and Sam come to my place.”

It’s such an intimate moment, Castiel smoothing the scarf down the middle of Dean’s chest. Dean looked deeply into the blue of Castiel’s eyes.

“Sounds great!” Sam smiles winding his arm around Dean, jarring the two of them back to reality.

Cas looks quizzically at Sam, his eyebrows furrowed but then he smiles at the younger Winchester, “Come over at three, ok?”

“See you then, Cas!” Sam replies pulling Dean out of the Church.

* * *

December 25, 2002  
Castiel

“Kali told me that you’ve invited friends over, Cassie,” Gabriel states hopping onto the counter, while trying to sneak some of pie filling out of the bowl.

“Sam and Dean Winchester,” Castiel replies smacking Gabe’s hand lightly and pulling the bowl out of Gabriel’s reach.

“Is this “The Dean”?”

“Yes,” Castiel answers shortly pouring the pie filling into the crust.

“Well, I feel like I should dress up. I am finally meeting your boyfriend,” Gabriel teases sticking his finger into the middle of the pie.

“Dean isn’t my boyfriend,” Castiel snarks back, “What is wrong with people? Why can’t two men share an emotional bond and care deeply about each other without everyone assuming there is a sexual component to their relationship?”

“Whoooah, Cassie,” Gabriel says holding his hands up, “I was only teasing you.”

“I don’t appreciate being teased or chastised about my relationship with Dean,” Castiel sighs closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

Castiel couldn’t help but be anxious. Christmas had not been easy the past few years for either Castiel or Gabriel. When Gabriel started dating Kali, a Hindu, their brothers made it very clear that Kali was not the ideal Christian wife for Gabe. When Gabriel had told them all that he wanted to marry Kali, chaos descended that Christmas. It was still painful to talk about the Christmas of ’99.

Not only did Gabriel get lectured about Kali that Christmas, but Castiel had also received condemnation as well.

Castiel had brought Dean’s journals and letters with him, tucked away safely in his suitcase. He couldn’t leave them home, Zachariah might have snooped around his house. He never thought that he couldn’t trust his brothers. Michael and Luke went through his suitcase one evening when he was out with Gabriel, probably spurred on by Jimmy’s talk of Dean. When he came home, Dean’s letters and journals were strewn across the kitchen table. Castiel had never been so mortified and angry in his entire life. It felt like his brothers were trying to rip his soul from his chest and stomp on it. It got even worse when the brothers drilled him relentlessly about the true nature of his relationship with Dean.

It was Gabriel who stepped in, gathered up the letters and Castiel, and stormed out after telling everyone that they should go fuck themselves. The two brothers never looked back.

“I’m sorry baby bro,” Gabriel replies quietly.

“All is forgiven, Gabe,” Castiel softly smiles patting Gabriel’s shoulder, “It is a sore subject for me. Jimmy still won’t return my calls.”

“His loss,” Gabe stated with confidence, “You are the good twin.”

“What are you two talking about?” Kali asks stepping between Gabriel’s legs.

The two kiss tenderly and Gabriel winds his arms around Kali’s shoulders, resting his temple on the crown of her head. Kali is one of the most beautiful women Castiel has ever seen. Light toffee skin with dark chocolate curls that tumble over her shoulder to the middle of her back. She is a petite woman, which suits Gabriel’s average frame.

“How Cassie here is the best of all our brothers because of his prowess in the kitchen,” Gabriel jibes.

“I have to agree, everything smells amazing. You have outdone yourself this year, Castiel,” Kali praises.

“Thank you, Kali. I enjoy cooking for you both, it brings me much joy. Dean and Sam are coming over, should be here any moment,” Castiel states brushing the flour from his hands. The doorbell chimes and Castiel is there to smile and greet his friends at the door.

“Sam! Dean, come in!” Castiel helps them take off their coats and hang up their winter garb on his coat rack.

“Merry Christmas, Cas!” Sam says pulling Cas into a quick hug.

“Merry Christmas, Cas,” Dean’s deep voice rumbles as he pulls Cas into a longer hug.

“Merry Christmas,” Castiel chokes out when Dean reaches up to cup his cheek after the two break from their hug. His thumb gently stroking underneath his lips. This close, he can see the golden flecks of Dean’s eyes and freckles sprinkled across his cheeks and nose.

“You had flour all over your chin, Cas. Did the bag explode?” Dean laughs stepping back and clapping his shoulder.

“No, I was making pie. I even made the crust, which was surprisingly easy,” Castiel responds.

“You made pie?”

Dean’s smile is breathtaking. Cas can’t help but to admire his teeth, his lips, and his dimples. His beauty floats through Castiel’s mind, making him flush.

“He made pie. After I already had made the six different types of cookies and the cake,” Gabriel complains behind him, “And I am a pâtissier!”

“We will eat all of your treats, my love,” Kali coes at her husband sweetly kissing his cheek.

“Kali Novak,” she introduces herself to Dean and Sam, “And this is my husband, Gabriel.”

“It's nice to meet you,” Sam says, “Cas told us that you’re a pastry chef in Chicago, Gabriel, but he didn’t mention what you do Kali?”

“I’m a corporate lawyer, but I won’t bore you with the details,” Kali replies.

“I’m entertaining the idea of law school,” Sam bashfully states.

“Really? Well, Kali here will tell you all about it,” Gabriel says giving Cas a look, “Over pie.”

“Don’t get all flustered, Gabriel. It’s just pie,” Cas says going back to the kitchen. The boys take off their shoes and everyone gets comfortable while Castiel bustles to put the final touches on the dishes. Dean steps in to help and the two of them quietly listen to the other’s conversation. Nods, smiles, and touches are the only communication Dean and Cas need in the kitchen to get early dinner on the table.

As the rest of the afternoon passes, the group gets along famously. They gorge themselves on turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, deviled eggs, and green bean casserole. Nobody really touches the corn, which Castiel can’t help to laugh at. Why eat corn when you can eat cookies and pie? And they do, Gabriel may have only made six different types of cookies. But he made two dozen of each kind. They all end up spread across the living room floor, but eventually rally from their food comas to play cards.

During the card game Gabriel breaks out a bottle of whiskey that he had stashed away. Everyone drinks, even Castiel under Gabriel’s peer pressure. They play poker and a few drinking games Castiel hadn’t ever heard of. After drinking whiskey shots, Dean admits he probably shouldn’t drive back to Bobby’s. Which inexplicably makes Sam laugh hilariously and uncontrollably for five minutes. After getting the room ready downstairs for Sam, pulling out the sofa sleeper and making up the bed, the older men continue playing cards and drinking long after Sam and Kali go to bed. Gabriel calls it a night after losing around one hundred and fifty dollars to Dean.

Pleased with his winnings, Dean also admits he’s tired. They call it a night, Dean following Cas to his room to get extra bedding so he doesn’t have to share with his little brother.

“Cas! Look at your bed, it’s so fluffy,” Dean states chortling and flopping down on his down comforter, “Oooohh. This is nice.”

Castiel shakes his head at Dean’s tipsy actions. He can’t help but to laugh at Dean rolling around on his bed snuggling into the blankets. Instead of grabbing the extra pillows and blankets on the top of his closet shelf, he watches Dean spread out on his bed. In the secret recesses of his mind, he can’t help but to admit that he would like Dean in his bed. Just for one night, the warmth of another body, just sleeping.

“You can stay, sleep here,” the words tumble out of Castiel’s mouth before he knows he’s said them.

“Really? Heck yes,” Dean cheers, “So much better than sleeping with Sam. He’s already spread out like a starfish downstairs. He always bitches about me taking my pants off. Like I could sleep in jeans.”

Dean pops up off the bed, shucking his jeans and his sweater and t-shirt off. Only in his boxers, he flops down on the bed and lets out a deep sigh, “This is marvelous. Is this memory foam?”

Castiel can’t help but blush, he tries not to look at Dean. In his peripheral vision, he sees Dean’s amulet hanging between his pectoral muscles and the light smattering of golden hair that trails down into his boxers. It catches the light from the lamp on his bedside table. Instead of staring he tries to focus on picking up Dean’s clothes and folding them onto the chair across the room. He takes a deep breath and tries to convince himself that this is just like sharing a bed with Gabriel. He just wants someone close, a friend, to know he’s not alone tonight. However he doesn’t quite convince himself fully.

“It is memory foam,” Castiel answers sliding in next to Dean. Castiel is also down to his boxers, but keeps his shirt on. He feels a little more protected with a shirt on. Less likely to succumb to his deepest desires.

“Fuck yeah,” Dean moans out wiggling down underneath the covers.

“Dean,” Cas scolds.

“Sorry man,” mumbled words come out from underneath the cover, “It’s so nice not sleeping on a mattress that moonlights as a torture device.”

Dean’s head eventually pops out from underneath the covers, a huge smile and mirth in his eyes. “Forgive me?”

“Of course, Dean,” Castiel replies and sinks into his own pillows. He reaches to turn the light off.

“G’night,” Dean whispers.

“Good night,” Castiel replies turning on his side letting out his anxiety with one long breath.

“Tonight was awesome. One of the best Christmases Sammy and I have ever had,” Dean whispers, “Thank you.”

“I’m glad,” Castiel whispers back.

“Why are we whispering?” Dean asks.

Castiel lets out a loud laugh, “I don’t know, Dean. But it's time to go to sleep.”

Castiel can see the outline of Dean in the moonlight, he’s tempted to reach out and run his fingers through Dean’s hair… but he doesn’t.

“Sleep tight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, thank you, thank you! 
> 
> I love getting your comments and seeing that people are reading my "epic saga." I say that with the Thorn Birds narrator voice. Never seen The Thorn Birds? Check out the trailer here: [Click me!!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbFw9ME48_M)
> 
> But for real, seeing that people are still reading gives me writer's juice. I love hearing what you all think.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waking up & diners.

December 26, 2002  
Dean

Dean wakes up slowly feeling just a little hungover. With his eyes closed and his brain not quite awake, he is pleasantly surprised by the sensation of a firm ass pressed up against his morning wood. The ass is sublime, high and tight. Dean’s shaft, which has escaped the confines of his well worn loose boxers, is perfectly nestled between the two cheeks. He drags his dick slowly between the clothed globes, letting out a breathy moan. Fucking bliss, he thinks. The stomach under his palm is also smooth, tight, and so warm. He trails his hand across the stomach and down to his partner’s hip. Dragging the pads of his fingers, with a little pressure so as not to tickle. A soft breathy huff of a moan whispers from his bedmate. His partner’s hips undulate back against his, Dean’s breath hitches and he shivers with arousal. Dean kisses the nape of the neck, flicking his tongue to taste the saltiness there.

Dean goes to grab the back of his partner’s thigh, to position the leg to really rut against the magnificent cheeks and eventually slip between them, and freezes. His palm hand tickles from leg hair.

_Leg hair._

As if being electrocuted, Dean jumps out of the bed, jarring Castiel fully awake. Castiel lets out a cry that is an amalgamation of nonsense words, hastily pulling the covers over his own erection that is barely concealed in his thin white boxers.

“I am so sorry,” Dean cries pulling on his jeans and falling over. He hits the floor hard, knocking the wind out of him. Gasping out, Dean crawls away, curling into himself, hiding his flagging erection.

“Dean!” Cas states pulling on his own pajamas and crouching by Dean on the floor, “You have to stretch out. The wind was knocked out of you.”

Cas demonstrates breathing deeply and slowly while trying to pull Dean up to sit. Dean almost wants to punch him in the face but instead, he unwinds and sits up with Castiel’s assistance. Dean is blushing so hard he can feel the heat radiating from his face.

“Oh my God, Cas, I am so sorry,” Dean squeaks out.

“Its ok, Dean, it’s fine,” Cas replies. He clears his throat, his voice even deeper than normal at this time of the morning, “It’s fine.”

The two men sit on the floor in awkward silence until Dean starts chucking under his breath, Castiel cants his head to the side peering at Dean.

“What?”

“Nothing, I’m just dying of embarrassment,” Dean replies.

“You and me both,” Castiel replies.

Dean takes a moment to look at his closest friend. From his long square toes peeking out of his pajama bottoms to his messy bed hair that’s sticking up a few inches from his head. The neck of the old t-shirt is stretched, highlighting the masculine neck and the strength of his shoulders. Castiel’s adam's apple bobs as he swallows slowly, he in turn is quietly looking at Dean. Castiel’s cheeks are flushed, his pupils are blown making the blue of his irises a deep cerulean, he’s worrying his bottom lip, and has his hands clasped in his lap trying to adjust his erection discreetly.

“It wasn’t bad, waking up with you,” Dean quietly admits clearing his throat, “But, uh, let's not do that again. You're my best friend and uh, let’s… just not go there. Ok?”

Castiel nods, he opens his mouth to reply but a shout interrupts them, “Cassie, love! I am making crepes!”

“Coming, Gabe!” Castiel shouts back.

“Let’s go eat some thin pancakes,” Dean states gesturing to the door.

Silently and awkwardly the two friends join the others for breakfast. Dean leaving the bedroom first and then Castiel after a suitable pause. Gabriel and Kali are in the kitchen, preparing breakfast of crepes, berries, eggs, and coffee. Sam is groaning face down on the couch. Bemoaning the choices he made the night before. Dean goes and sits down right on top of his lanky brother’s butt. Settling all of his weight onto Sam as he groans loudly.

“You okay, Sammy?”

“It’s Sam.”

“Bitch.”

“Jerk.”

“How are you feeling this morning, Dean-o? You must have had a lot more to drink than I thought, you ended up in the wrong bed,” Gabe teased looking between Castiel and Dean.

“Gabriel,” Cas hisses at this brother, grabbing his upper arm elbow and squeezing hard. Dean can see the white of Castiel’s knuckles.

“Ouch! Cassie! That hurts.”

“Don’t tease your brother,” Kali scolds smacking the back of Gabriel’s head, “Remember?”

Groaning and rubbing his arm and then his head, Gabriel mumbles beneath his breath and returns to cooking. Nothing more is mentioned for the rest of the morning about Dean and Castiel sharing a bed. Everyone is quiet, hungover, and in Dean’s case… aroused and mortified all wrapped up in one.

When the Winchesters decide to leave, Cas hugs them both. Dean’s mortification dissipates and he melts into the hug. He’s relieved to think that nothing has changed, he hasn’t destroyed his friendship with Castiel this morning. Castiel smiles as he always does and waves them goodbye from the door when Dean drives away.

An uncomfortable silence washes over the brothers until Dean pulls into the Singer Salvage Yard. Dean makes the movement to turn off the ignition and Sam reaches out and stays Dean’s hand. Dean’s meets the hazel eyes of his floppy-haired brother.

“You slept in Cas’ bed last night.” A statement, not a question.

Dean clears his throat, “I did.”

“What happened?”

“We slept.”

“Really? You only slept? You know, I never believed Dad when he would get on your case about Cas’ letters. Hell, I wrote to him too. But it’s different between you two, it always has been,” Sam states in a curious manner.

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” Dean scoffs shutting off the Impala and taking the keys out of the ignition.

“Dean, it’s me. I’m not going to judge you,” Sam pleads. His eyes are huge and puppy-like.

Dean’s crumble wavers and he opens up his mouth but then snaps it shut, “We slept. End of story. So drop it, Sammy.”

Storming from the Impala, saying a brief hello to Bobby and John as he passes through the living, Dean bounds up the stairs. Taking two steps at a time he reaches the landing and slams the door to his room. He feels like a sixteen-year-old girl. He just needs a little space between himself and Sammy’s questions. Standing in the middle of his room, emotions whirling inside him, he takes a deep breath and decides a shower is the best option. Whenever Dean’s emotions were uneasy, a hot shower with great water pressure was always therapeutic. Though Bobby didn’t have the greatest water pressure, the water did get really hot.

Quietly going into the upstairs bathroom and locking the door, Dean cranks up the water. Avoiding the mirror, he knows he’s still flushed with embarrassment and arousal… he just doesn’t want to see it, Dean sets his clean clothing down on the back of the toilet. Stripping and then stepping into the hot spray Dean lets out a shaky breath.

Washing his hair and keeping his eyes closed, Dean takes his time soaping up his entire body. He enjoys the flow of water across his scalp, down his head and face, and from there over his chest, tickling his nipples, and rippling down his semi-hard shaft. Biting his lip and swallowing a soft moan, he has been cycling between hard and soft since he woke up warm and nestled against Castiel.

Dean tugs gently on his dick, planting the other hand against the shower wall. He lets the flow of the water run down his body. As he grows increasingly harder, he tries thinking of his most recent partner, Pamela. She was older than Dean, she was kinky as hell and loved double penetration. He thought of filling her up, of the moans, she cried out when she was riding his shaft and also filled with a butt plug. Pamela said that they were definitely having a threesome next time they hooked up. Dean tried imagining him and Pamela and an unknown man. It wasn’t easy.

But he could imagine Cas.

Cas. With his bronze shoulders and his tight ass. With that huge erection, he was hiding under the many layers of clothes. He’d be perfect for his imaginary trio. He could imagine stroking into Pamela, feeling Cas’ body on the other side. His dick twitched at the idea.

Yes, so good.

Kissing Pamela. Watching Pamela kiss Cas. Eventually he’d kiss Cas.

Mouth dropping open, a moan slips out wantonly. Thoughts of Pamela fade away.

_Castiel _, Dean thinks.__

Cas hovering over him, his large hands running down his arms and down his torso. Kissing Dean, feeling Cas’ soft lips, feeling the scratch of his stubble. Feeling the long planes of his body. Tightening his grip, he can almost feel Cas’ body pressed against his. Can imagine Cas gripping his shaft. Cas’ dick slotted against his, fingers brushing up against the pucker of his ass.

Dean throws his head back, he’s so close. So close.

A deep, gravely, whispered, “ _Dean_ ,” floats into his mind.

Surprising even himself, Dean’s orgasm crashes through him. Letting out a large moan, he pumps into his hand. Long ropey spurts hitting the tile as he sags against the shower wall.

Shuddering, the realization of what he’s done dashes him like cold water and he groans out, “I’m so screwed.”

____ _ _

* * *

____ _ _

June 3, 2006  
Castiel

Pamela. Carmen. Layla. Robin. Rhonda. Ellie. Suzy. Heather. Wendy.

And then, there was Lisa.

Lisa had contacted Dean two years ago, wanting to get a paternity test for her son, Ben. Ben had been a precocious three-year-old at the time and had been asking Lisa who his father was, which prompted Lisa to search for Dean.

There was something different about Lisa. Castiel had met a lot of Dean’s girlfriends over the years, much to his dismay, but he couldn’t help honestly liking Lisa. She was nice, if a little formal to Castiel, but her son Ben was a wonderful child. Upon meeting again, both Lisa and Dean were more than happy to fall back into a relationship. Lisa had even moved to Sioux Falls, opening a very successful Yoga studio. Dean had readily admitted to Castiel that he always wanted, but never thought he would have his own family. It was Dean’s dream come true that he could have it with Lisa.

Dean had been devastated that Ben wasn’t biologically his, he spent the afternoon sniffling while drinking a six-pack on Castiel’s couch. But ultimately after sleeping his hangover off, it didn’t matter to Dean… Ben was his kid while he was with Lisa.

And Castiel… Well, Castiel realized that he could never give Dean a family as a Priest.

He thought something had changed the morning after Christmas and he supposed something did change. Castiel had realized he was more tempted by the sins of the flesh than he had initially thought. It was a rude awakening, knowing he could be swayed so easily by his love for Dean. In his mind, his love for Dean was pure. Dean was a righteous man, so his love for Dean was righteous, pure, and wonderful. So, Castiel decided that morning was really no big deal. Healthy bodies were programmed biologically to respond in a certain fashion, and it meant nothing more. He buried his arousal, the memory of Dean pressed up behind him. It was truly just a mistake and he’d never put himself in that situation with Dean again.

Even before his relationship with Lisa, it was obvious to Castiel that Dean was unchanged by that morning. It seems to Castiel that he has redoubled his efforts to be known as the town Casanova. Dean basically buried himself in women and was not shy about hiding it from Castiel. One Saturday morning, he even showed up covered in hickeys that peeked out from below his collar. It made Cas’ skin crawl, but Dean laughed it off and said that Ellie was a wild one. Dean even stole a fry off of Cas’ plate and winked at him.

And so, without further analyzing it… Castiel re-committed himself to the church. Castiel loved being a Priest, it was rewarding and fulfilling to bring others closer to God. He was working towards his doctorate, deciding to focus on New Testament and Early Christianity, and so the times he couldn’t be with Dean… he focused on his classwork.

He didn’t blame Dean. He was a man, he was twenty-seven years old. He was vivacious and thoughtful. Beautifully masculine and devoted to his new family. If he couldn’t visit Castiel, Castiel understood and still loved him.

And when he met Lisa, his friend had thrown himself into parenting and being a good partner. Castiel told himself he was happy for Dean, therefore he was happy for Dean. It saddened him that once he moved in with Lisa Castiel didn’t see Dean at all. At least when he was hooking up with random women two years ago, he saw Dean regularly as always. But it had been six months and Castiel hadn’t laid eyes on Dean. Dean would call him on Thursdays, but it was usually on the way home from work so the call was relatively brief.

It wasn’t the same, Castiel wanted so badly to go over and see Dean but he knew deep down he was unwelcome. He had initially brought a traditional housewarming gift to Lisa and Dean. They were having a cookout and Dean had invited Cas over. Castiel had painstakingly created a huge basket full of symbology; with bread, wine, a piece of wood, a lump of coal, honey, sugar, olive oil, and a candle. Lisa’s face showed she was a little perturbed when he showed up but she was polite and formal to Castiel. After Dean hugged him hello, their usual full body lingering hugs, Lisa had whisked Dean away and Castiel didn’t get to talk to him for the rest of the afternoon. He had gone home a little confused and hurt that night. Castiel didn’t even get to say goodbye, Lisa had accompanied him to the car and wished him farewell instead.

So, it was unusual for Dean to contact him out of the blue to invite Cas to their old diner on Saturday morning.

Castiel was nervous about seeing Dean after so many months, but he swallowed it down.

Dean was already sitting in the booth, morning sunshine shining in on him, making his eyes really stand out from his freckled face. He gave Castiel an arresting smile that stopped Castiel’s heart a little, and Dean even got up and gave him a full-body crushing hug.

“I’ve missed seeing you, man,” Dean admits sitting down.

“And I have missed you,” Castiel admits softly, “But you’ve been busy.”

“You too, how’s your doctorate coming?”

“It’s going well, I’ve got another two years. I enjoy the course work immensely. I thought I wouldn’t enjoy online but I find it very rigorous,” Castiel admits fiddling with his menu.

“Do you think you can take a little vacation?”

Tilting his head to the side, a little confused at Dean’s question, “Why?”

“Sammy’s graduation, I was hoping you would be my road-tripping partner and go with me,” Dean explains.

Heart expanding in his chest, Castiel couldn’t help but smile. Warmth flooded his body at the idea of spending extended periods of time with Dean. It had been so long. He couldn’t stop himself from comparing Dean to the sun, and that he’d been living without really feeling warmth for the past six months. Trying to control his nerves, he schooled his voice and cleared his throat.

“I’d have to clear it with Zachariah, but I think Father Johnston could do my duties for the week,” Castiel says pulling out his phone, “When?”

“June 15 is his graduation. They have to stagger them on different days because the college is so huge,” Dean replies.

“I’ll ask tonight, I’m sure there won’t be any issues.”

“Awesome! Road trip!”

“Road trip,” Castiel intones smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all for reading! 
> 
> The rating has jumped up, as the nature of this chapter wasn't "teen" friendly. 
> 
> A huge shout out to [ Feathers7501!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feathers7501)! She is an awesome editor. Takes my gibberish and polishes it to what you see today. For real, I can't sing her praises enough.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Road Trip

June 14, 2006  
Dean

Thirty-three hours will be spent along sleepy American highways. Listening to classic rock, singing loudly along to the radio, eating bad diner food, rolling the windows down, and even sleeping in questionable fleabag motels. According to Dean, this was a recipe for a classic Winchester road trip. 

With Cas sitting shotgun, he can forget that his relationship with Lisa has ended. She was devastated when Dean mentioned that he wanted Cas to go with him to Sam’s graduation. According to her, Sam’s graduation should have been a family only event. When Dean had coldly told her that Castiel _was _his family and would _always _be his family… the disagreement only escalated from there.____

____It was heart-wrenching. Lisa hadn’t raised her voice once, she was sad and yet everything about her seemed like it was cold, untouchable steel. Lisa wanted to come first in Dean’s life, but she knew she’d always come second to Dean’s “family.” During their argument, Lisa had coldly thrown out that Castiel was a typical priest pedophile. Stating that Cas groomed Dean to be his little pet. Dean left in a rush after that, disgusted with her, with himself and with the situation._ _ _ _

____Dean felt that his world was on the brink of exploding.. If she ever told anyone about Cas… it could ruin them both. She only knew about his feelings for Cas because he had drunkenly told her, never expecting her to throw it back in his face. At the time, she had been loving and considerate, telling him it was perfectly acceptable to be attracted to men as well as women. She even told him about her experimentation with her best friend Kate._ _ _ _

____He thought his innermost thoughts were safe with Lisa, he was so very wrong. Slowing his breath and willing his anxiety go away, Dean focused on the things that were happening in the present. The roar of the Impala’s engine, the feeling of the steering wheel underneath his hands, and the scent of the cab that he had been sharing with Castiel the past day. Taking in a deep breath, Dean could smell the coffee, leather seats, Castiel’s fresh air smell, and his own muskier scent filling his lungs. Castiel’s scent soothed his frayed emotions and his anger melted away._ _ _ _

____“Your father,” Cas asks, breaking Dean from his reverie, “Will he be at Sam’s graduation?”_ _ _ _

____“Uh, yeah… probably not. Last time Sam saw him, they had a really bad fight. Sam let me know that Dad wasn’t welcome. His girlfriend’s family is there and he was pretty pumped that you were showing up with me,” Dean replied, shrugging._ _ _ _

____“I feel that John will regret fighting with Sam one day,” Cas says quietly._ _ _ _

____“Probably, but he’s a stubborn bastard,” Dean replies running his hands over his steering wheel, “Dad’s obsessed with Mom’s killer. They finally caught the son of a bitch. So, Dad’s been glued to all of the court proceedings in Kansas. He was thrilled when Sam got into law school, but only because it could be beneficial to keep Azazel behind bars. I agreed that we’d be there at his sentencing next month.”_ _ _ _

____“I’m sure Sam will be thrilled to attend that,” Castiel’s dry reply makes Dean bark out a laugh._ _ _ _

____Cas lets out a deep sigh looking over at Dean, his eyes hidden behind his aviators. His mind flashes back to a similar road trip, a younger Castiel behind the wheel wearing the same aviators. Memories of golden skin, the lines of taut muscles, and beads of sweat running down Castiel’s neck over the hollows created by his clavicle causes a throb of desire stir in Dean’s groin. He shifts nervously in the cab, he’s kept his lust for Cas under control when he was with Lisa… now his desires have been unleashed and he’s ravenous._ _ _ _

____“Do you still go to Milton's farm?” Dean asks, curious that he never asked Castiel the question before._ _ _ _

____“No, I had a falling out with my family a few Christmases ago,” Cas grumbles out, “Gabriel is the only one who will speak to me now, though I send letters and cards to Jimmy for his daughter Claire for her birthday and holidays.”_ _ _ _

____Dean shyly states, “You are family to me.”_ _ _ _

____Cas looks over at Dean, first with shock and then he has a small smile. Just a little quip of his lips, “Thank you, Dean.”_ _ _ _

____“Alright, enough of this chick flick,” Dean states grinning flicking on the radio. “Night Moves” comes blasting through the radio. Dean sings along, moving along to the music, singing to Cas who laughs and swats at his hands when Dean tries to caress his face jokingly._ _ _ _

____They drive in companionable silence for a few hours. Dean’s mind empties of his worries._ _ _ _

____They stop in a little town after Cas grumpily proclaims he’s hungry and can’t live off of the road snacks anymore. He also adds that he’s going crazy and he can’t stand being in the car and; _“For the love of all things Holy, Dean. If you pick your nose one more time and flick it out of the window. I’m going to scream.” _Dean’s answer is to pick even more aggressively and to exaggerate his motions. Cas does scream, loudly, which makes Dean laugh. Then Cas laughs and then they are both laughing so hard that Dean has to pull over before they get to the diner._ _ _ _ __

____Ambling into the small but busy restaurant, stretching as they go, the men wait to be seated. It’s a full house, the entrance is very small, and they are practically standing on top of each other in front of the pimply teen hostess._ _ _ _

____Cas turns to him, brushing up against his body, “I’m going to use the facilities.”_ _ _ _

____“Ok,” Dean states slowly, “Why are you letting me know that you need to take a piss?”_ _ _ _

____“If we get seated, please order for me,” Cas sassily replies._ _ _ _

____“As you wish, Buttercup.”_ _ _ _

____“Hardy har har,” Cas fake laughs pointing his sunglasses at Dean’s face and tapping them on Dean’s nose, “You think I don’t know that reference, but I do.”_ _ _ _

____“Really? You’ve watched an actual movie, excuse me, Mr. I'm-mature-I-only-read.”_ _ _ _

____“Dean,” Cas exasperates, “I watched it with you after a youth dinner.”_ _ _ _

____The memory comes slowly to Dean, he did make Castiel watch The Princess Bride. Sam had fallen asleep during the middle of it and had let out the loudest fart in his sleep. They had to pause the movie and air the room. It stunk so bad. He can remember laughing and gagging with Cas, his happiness being with Castiel eclipsing the memory of actually watching the movie. Cas is still staring at Dean with an exasperated look on his face, so Dean snatches the offending glasses from Cas’ hand and puts them on his own head, “I remember now, go piss before your bladder explodes.”_ _ _ _

____Cas rolls his eyes and shakes his head, leaving Dean with the hostess._ _ _ _

____“You guys are the cutest couple,” she gushes with a sigh._ _ _ _

____Dean’s flushes instantly, his face on fire and he swallows the lump created in his throat. Is he that obvious? Can people see that he desires Cas? He stammers out a thank you, not bothering to correct the girl. When he’s seated at a freshly wiped down table, he orders two loaded burgers, sodas, and fries for them both._ _ _ _

____“Why are you so red?” Cas asks sliding into the booth._ _ _ _

____“It’s nothing really,” Dean mumbles, “But the waitress thought we were a couple.”_ _ _ _

____Cas just looks at him, shrugs, and flicks to the desert menu, “They have pie.”_ _ _ _

____“You are not embarrassed?”_ _ _ _

____Cas levels a look at him, the wheels in his mind turning as he tilts his head to the side. Deciding something, Cas tucks the menu behind the napkin holder and folds his long and lean fingers in front of him. His relaxed and easy manner about the whole situation makes Dean blush even more._ _ _ _

____“You are an incredibly beautiful man, Dean,” Cas starts and holds up his hand when Dean starts sputtering in protest at what Cas is saying, “No, let me finish. When I call you beautiful, I am not only talking about the beauty of your flesh but the beauty of your soul. Your inner being radiates outwards and it is what makes you truly attractive. You are righteous, selfless, loving, a natural care-giver, and simply one of the best people I know. When people assume that we are together in a romantic nature, I choose to view it as a compliment. And it is a compliment to me, that someone like you would choose me in their eyes. I know the real you and I know what they think they are seeing is a sliver of our actual relationship that has evolved over the past ten years. You told me that we were family earlier and that is exactly what we are, family. So, no it doesn’t bother me at all. Do I like it when they sexualize us? No, I find that truly insulting to us both and appalling, but I don’t mind when people assume that we are committed partners. In a way we are in a relationship, we are committed, just not the one they readily assume.”_ _ _ _

____Speechless and red faced, Dean can only nod in reply._ _ _ _

____“Are you upset that they assume you are gay?” Cas asks a little later, taking a sip of his soda after the waitress brings them over._ _ _ _

____“No, not really,” Dean replies, “Sam says that people probably think I’m overcompensating.”_ _ _ _

____Cas bursts out in laughter, making the other patrons look over at the two of them, making Dean bury his face in his hands. When their burgers come, Cas is still snorting quietly with laughter._ _ _ _

____“Shut up man,” Dean grumbles._ _ _ _

____“Sorry, Dean,” Cas states clearing his throat and fighting a smile._ _ _ _

____Dean hands over the keys to Baby when they exit the restaurant, surprising Cas but making him incredibly happy._ _ _ _

____“You’re stir crazy, driving a little will help,” Dean states simply._ _ _ _

____The rest of the trip continues in an easy manner, with laughter and stories. Dean doesn’t mention Lisa or their breakup to Castiel, the memory of their fight fading into the distance. All Dean sees is freedom of the open road and all he cares about is the man sitting beside him. He thinks of Cas’ soliloquy in the restaurant and it warms him, knowing that Cas holds him in such high esteem._ _ _ _

____Before they know it, both men are in California pulling up to Sam’s apartment. Sam is an overeager puppy, yanking open the door and pulling them both into crushing hugs. He introduces them to Jessica, who is beautiful with her long blonde wavy hair and classic American looks._ _ _ _

____“You are completely out of my brother’s league,” Dean laughs when Jess hugs him. He holds Jessica back and waggles his eyebrows while looking at Sam._ _ _ _

____“Shut it, Dean.”_ _ _ _

____Jessica just laughs Dean’s fake flirtations off. Cas rolls his eyes and greets Jess warmly, “It’s nice to meet you, Jessica. I’m sure Sam is a wonderful partner and is in your league.”_ _ _ _

____“Thank you, Cas! See Dean, that’s how you meet new people,” Sam says pointing towards Cas._ _ _ _

____“Yeah, yeah, whatever Sam. I need a beer,” Dean waves, “It’s been a long road trip.”_ _ _ _

____“Did he let you drive?” Sam asks Cas._ _ _ _

____“A little on the second day,” Cas responds, “Apparently, I am a terrible driver.”_ _ _ _

____“He’s terrible! Hugging the median, hitting every single reflector,” Dean shouts from the kitchen, “It was absolutely ridiculous.”_ _ _ _

____“He is exaggerating. I only was in the middle because it was an empty road. And that was after he dared me to floor it. It took me a moment to get used to the width of the Impala,” Cas sasses rolling his eyes. He takes off his shoes and curls his legs under himself sitting on Sam’s couch. Dean hands him a beer, already opened, and basically throws himself down next to Cas. Dean tucks his arm on the back of the couch, behind Castiel._ _ _ _

____Taking a swig, Dean sinks into the couch, spreading out and getting comfortable. Sam and Jess both look at two men on the couch, a smile spreading across Jessica’s face. Flicking her eyes toward Sam, communicating something that Dean doesn’t understand. He licks his lips and looks to Castiel, who meets his gaze and shrugs._ _ _ _

____“We’ve got you two set up in the guest room, I hope you don’t mind sharing,” Jessica says after her silent communication with Sam, “I was thinking about ordering in tonight. We’ll have dinner at my parents house after graduation tomorrow. They are throwing a party for us.”_ _ _ _

____“Sounds great,” Dean replies, taking a swig._ _ _ _

____“We are sharing a bed?” Castiel asks, throwing a cautious look over at Dean._ _ _ _

____“Yeah, unless one of you wants to sleep on our lumpy couches,” Sam laughs gesturing to the beaten up old couches._ _ _ _

____“I don’t mind, do you?” Dean asks Castiel._ _ _ _

____“No,” Cas answers slowly and hesitantly._ _ _ _

____“Don’t worry, Cas. I’ll keep my hands to myself,” Dean laughs, roughing up Cas’ hair._ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a side note, this chapter was initially not edited by the lovely Feathers... I decided to post it on a whim because I wasn't 100% percent happy with it and I wanted to move on from it. All mistakes were/are mine. If you find something horrendous, for the love of toilet paper, please tell me. Also, I like to hear what you guys are thinking. Thank you all to those that have been reading, until next Friday.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean, in fact, does not keep his hands to himself while sleeping...

June 15, 2006  
Castiel

Dean, in fact, does not keep his hands to himself while sleeping. He wraps himself around Castiel during the night after Cas falls asleep. Dean’s lips are nestled against his nape, little puffs of air tickling and calming. One of Dean’s muscled arms serves as a pillow and a large hand reaches around to rest on Castiel’s heart. One of Dean’s legs even finds its way to slot in between his own legs. Castiel feels enveloped by Dean, it’s overwhelming, too warm, and yet completely right. 

In the morning, Castiel wakes … and simply soaks in the warmth of Dean’s body, reveling in the feeling of Dean’s fingers splayed against his heart. After taking that moment of human comfort, Castiel then slowly untangles himself from Dean’s arms. Dean lets out little huffs of loss and disapproval. His hands searching for Castiel in the bed but never truly waking up. 

Castiel’s heart swells with love for his friend. For a split second, he entertains the idea of really being with Dean like everyone so readily assumes. Forgetting himself, forgetting Lisa, forgetting his occupation, his calling… and then crashing back down to Earth. Feeling guilty, Castiel can only make amends while running with Sam. Setting a fast pace that clears his mind of his earthly desires. 

Sam’s graduation and then dinner at Jessica’s parents are both long and wonderful. Dean is so proud of Sam’s accomplishments that he practically glows when he hears Sam’s name being called. Jessica’s parents are welcoming and the food is delicious. He’s treated like family. Castiel even gets to hold a newborn baby, Jessica’s nephew. 

Holding the embodiment of one of God’s creations stirs up maudlin and poignant thoughts within Castiel. One day it will be Dean’s baby that he holds. Dean will get married and have children of his own and will leave Castiel behind. He can barely choke down the swell of tears that rush to his eyes. Castiel keeps to himself all through the dinner, trying to combat his mauldin thoughts, and ultimately realizing that the Winchesters are truly his family and that he can’t afford to lose them. 

After the dinner at Jessica’s, Sam and Dean decide to keep celebrating and play pool in a dive bar. They meet one of Jessica’s friends Meg in the bar. She’s a different sort of woman, she takes one look at Castiel and decides to nickname him Clarence. She even jokes that he is a real life angel, fallen from heaven to be with the Winchesters. Castiel ignores her, though she makes him uncomfortable with her predatory attentions. 

They play a few rounds, Dean and Sam taking turns to teach him how to play. They even show him how to hustle at pool and he can’t help but smile when Dean wins ninety dollars off a coed. Upon leaving the place, Jessica stops in her tracks, halting the group’s slow progression through the streets. 

“We have to go into this place!” Jess cheers pointing at a dance club across the way that is thumping out music, “It’s absolutely the best place for dancing! You guys promised, after the darts and pool that you’d all let me and Meg dance!” 

Sam looks bashfully at both Dean and Castiel for confirmation. Castiel can’t help but to smile at the girls' antics, they have been drinking heavily since they started playing pool. The girls are exuberant, pink cheeked, and only slightly unsteady on their feet. It’s cute and in that moment, he thinks a little dancing is harmless.

Dean shrugs his shoulders, “Ladies lead on, I could have a few more drinks.” 

“Such a gentleman, Dean-o,” Meg drawls and tucks her hand into Castiel’s elbow, “You are going to have so much fun, Clarence.” 

Crossing the street and stepping into the bar, after the bouncer checks their IDs, is like whiplash from the cool air outside. Castiel feels regret and excitement simmering in the back of his throat. The music is loud, the noise beating against Castiel’s ears and reverberating in his breastbone. Lights pulse accordingly to the music. The air is oppressively damp and it smells like sweat, leather, hard liquor and fruit, and what Castiel can only assume as sex. 

A thin bare chested man in leather pants squeezes past him, “S’cuse me, Daddy.” 

Castiel locks eyes on Meg, who is grinning wolfishly, pulling him deeper into the club. Castiel tries to keep his eyes glued onto Meg, but he can’t help but to look around. There are a mixed group of people, but men are predominately dancing with only other men. Bodies undulating with each other sensually in tune to the music. 

“A gay bar?” He croaks out. 

“It's the best place to dance!” Jess responds, grabbing Sam and leading them to the bar.

“You’ll be ok, angel,” Meg whispers in his ear and kisses his cheek.

Castiel keeps his head down, flushing. He’s very uneasy, he can only imagine if any of his superiors get wind of this he would be severely chastised. He looks over at Dean, who seems completely comfortable that he is surrounded by half dressed men. Which surprises him, he always thought Dean would be uneasy in an environment such as this. 

Castiel watches Dean’s tongue dart out to wet his lips, his eyes following a man dancing on the floor. Castiel’s eyes follow Dean’s to a very talented man dancing in the middle of the floor. It’s like watching art. 

“Are you going to dance, Dean?” Jess asks sucking down a sugary concoction that is going to make her very sick in the morning. 

“Maybe,” Dean replies, eyes still glued on the guy on the floor. 

“You’re going to dance?” Sam asks nervously looking at his brother and then his girlfriend who just beams up at him, “How about we get a table first?” 

Cas follows them mindlessly into a booth that overlooks the dance floor, he places himself in the very inside trying to protect himself. Dean slides next to Cas, with Sam opposite them. He feels safer with Dean within reach, instead of Meg. Her attention makes Castiel’s skin crawl. 

Meg and Jessica move out to the floor, their bodies undulating with those around them, completely comfortable with basically having sex with their clothes on. 

“Sorry about this Cas,” Sam shouts over the music. 

Cas waves him off, with a small shake of his head and barely-there smile. He peels the label off his beer. Shredding it in his hands, twisting it in his fingers. He looks at Dean’s profile, the lights bouncing off his skin and Cas can’t help but to be mesmerized. He wants so badly to leave, but is anchored by Dean’s presence in such a weird place. Jessica and Meg come back after what feels like forever, wanting their drinks, towing the amazing dancer in their wake. He’s a tad shorter than Castiel, with dark hair and dark, downturned brown eyes. 

“Dean! Dance with me,” Jess shouts, “Sam’s like a baby giraffe, all limbs. And guys, this is Aaron!” 

Jess pulls Dean easily onto the floor, Dean moves smoothly and gracefully. Keeping a respectful distance from Jessica, but still dancing with her. Meg and Aaron move sensually, getting closer and closer to Jess and Dean. Before Castiel’s eyes, Meg pulls Jessica into her body leaving Aaron and Dean together. He sees Dean pause, but then he gravitates closer to Aaron leaving no distance between them. 

On the periphery, he sees Sam’s mouth drop open and then take a quick drink. Eyes glued to the scene unraveling before him, Castiel can only think his dreams will be haunted by the images of Dean grinding against another man. Jealousy shoots through him as he watches this stranger’s hands caress over Dean’s body. The man tucked into Dean, their hands exploring touching each other like lovers on the dance floor. White knuckling the sticky bench seat, he watches as Dean’s lips hover over the strangers lips. He watches Dean’s hips move, rolling smoothly and can’t help to think about what they’d feel like slotted up against his. It’s completely heart wrenching and yet incredibly arousing watching the scene unfold. He’s rock hard in his jeans, and he can feel his member twitching, leaking in frustration. 

Castiel thinks he will emotionally and physically explode if Dean kisses the comely stranger. 

When the song shifts to the next, Dean steps away from Aaron giving him a small,chaste kiss. Aaron smiles at him and moves on towards the bar, stepping away from Dean but running his hand down his arm and giving a squeeze. Dean comes bounding back towards the booth, sliding next to Castiel like nothing has transpired. And Castiel lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

Sam stares across at the two of them, blinking owlishly. 

“No comment, Sammy?” 

“You like men.” 

“Yeah, I like men,” Dean shouts back over the music, shrugging taking a pull of his drink, “I like women a lot too.” 

“What?” Sam's expression is one of pure confusion. 

“Let it go,” Castiel states authoritatively, before the two of them can bicker. Dean is angling for a fight, his hackles raised and defensive. Before the two brothers can respond to him, Jessica and Meg appear.

“I feel sick,” Jessica announces coming back to the booth, throwing herself onto Sam’s lap, “Lets go.” 

Sweet relief greets Castiel like an old friend when they exit the dance club. His ears are still throbbing and he has phantom pains in his chest. He tells himself it's from the music thudding against him for the past two hours. 

“Illuminating night wasn’t it, Clarence,” Meg drawls, walking closely to him and bumping him with her hip. 

“I have no idea what you mean,” Castiel bites out, aggravated with himself and the whole situation. He stews in this aggravation, avoiding Dean’s questioning looks all the way home. Castiel mulls over why God is testing him so, why must his greatest trial and closest friend be Dean? 

When they finally make it back to Sam’s apartment, no words are exchanged. Jessica is horrifically sick blaming the sugary concoction for throwing her over the edge, and so Castiel showers and goes to bed, ruminating over his own desires and his wishes. He pretends he is asleep when Dean shifts softly behind him. Castiel can smell the soap they have been sharing the past few days. He is immediately grateful that Dean washed off the stranger’s hands.

“Cas.” A soft whisper of his name and a tug on his arm. Castiel rolls over, meeting Dean’s eyes. 

“I made you uncomfortable tonight,” Dean states shifting closer in bed, “I won’t say I’m sorry. It’s part of who I am, but I wish you weren’t weirded out by it.”

Letting out a breath that he basically can feel rise from his toes, Castiel takes another deep breath of Dean. Dean’s familiar scent fills his senses. What has really changed? Nothing, so Dean likes men... does it really affect their relationship? Castiel decides it doesn’t because he can’t be with Dean that way, they are still friends. He still loves Dean, despite the sins Dean may commit, and maybe even more so. He has been instructed to love sinners and he himself is full of sin. His traitorous body reacting to Dean’s dancing is a testament to how sinful he truly is. 

Castiel slots his fingers into Dean’s. It reminds Castiel of praying, their fingers tucked in to each other. At that moment, Castiel decides that Dean isn’t a trial but a blessing. 

“I accept you. Don’t ever apologize for being you,” he says back, “But what about Lisa?”

“Lisa and I broke up,” Dean sighs.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. I was letting off steam tonight,” Dean says, pulling their hands close to his chest, brushing his lips to the back of Castiel’s hand, “But I shouldn’t have.” 

“You’re sowing wild oats,” Castiel whispers, ignoring Dean’s soft kiss that makes his heart stutter. 

Dean lets out a hushed chuckle, “I’m not some rake in those crazy romance novels you read.”

“Excuse me, he who only reads Kerouac, Vonnegut and Hemingway, the fact you know what a rake is lets me know you read those crazy romance novels too,” Castiel teases.

He can feel Dean’s mirth, shaking his shoulders and pulling on their joined hands. Castiel’s mind finally stills, no longer in chaos but fully present and calm. 

“You make me feel better about everything,” Dean admits quietly after his silent amusement dies down, “I wish you could come with me to Kansas.” 

“Oh Dean, I can’t. I’ve taken too much time off already, but you’ll be ok at the trial,” Cas says.

“I don’t want to go,” Dean admits quietly. 

Reaching out with his other hand, Castiel brushes Dean’s drying hair up off his forehead. Running his fingers down his cheek and then down Dean’s arm. His hand joining their hands twined between them. 

“I’ll pray for you to find the strength,” Cas whispers, “Close your eyes. Pray with me.” 

Dean closes his eyes, bowing his head. The two men touch foreheads, the minty air intermingling between them. Castiel prays to his Father in heaven for many things. He prays for Dean to find his inner strength. He prays for Dean’s soul. Castiel even prays for his own soul, feeling that it is on the precipice of something dangerous. 

Castiel prays for so long, he doesn’t realize that they both slip dreamlessly into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope you are all staying healthy & safe. Thank you to all who have commented and left kudos. Originally, Twenty Years was only going to be 10 chapters... I can safely say that it's going to be a bit longer than that. :P Oops.


	11. Chapter 11

July 29, 2006  
Dean

The last ten days feel like they have gone by in a blur. 

Everything hurts, the days have blended together and some of the days are completely lost to him. 

Sam and Jessica flew in on a Saturday. 

On a Monday, Dean, Sam, Jess, and John were coming back from Kansas where they attended the sentencing of their mother’s killer’s trial. It was horrible, confronting Azazel, but Dean had got through it. At the time, the emotions he felt had been momentous… but it pales in comparison to what he is feeling now. 

Ten days ago, they were in a car crash. The crash that had killed their father. Dean had convinced John to come back to Sioux Falls with them, saying that he didn’t need to be alone and that he needed to be with family. They had been coming home after putting Jessica on a late plane back to California. All of the stoic men hugging her goodbye, Sam telling her he would be home soon.

Dean barely remembers the accident, he knows Sam was driving while he was resting in the back seat of the Impala. Sam and John were having a heated discussion about something, most likely about living in California with Jessica after law school. A truck had t-boned the passenger side, where Dean’s head was resting. It had thrown Dean’s body around in the car. He was told he was airlifted to the hospital, was in a coma and on the brink of death. 

He had been told It was a complete miracle that he had opened his eyes. Dean had opened his eyes as his father closed his for the very last time. Almost as if it was one life for another. 

It was a Saturday, and today Dean would officially say goodbye to his Father.

Dean and Sam decided that John’s wake would be at The Roadhouse. It was a bar, the owner Ellen was a family friend of Bobby, and Dean figured that he could kill two birds with stone… he could mourn his father and get absolutely shitfaced at the same place. No need to leave the funeral parlor for a stiff drink. It’s not like he could drive anywhere, with Baby sitting in Bobby’s yard waiting for him. 

Everything was fucking fine. He was fine. He was going to get through it. He faced his mother’s killer, he could get through his father’s funeral. It was all his fault, but he was fine. 

He stood off to the side with Sam, Jess, and Cas, Pastor Jim welcoming the grieved into the bar. Once everyone has trickled in, and they are gathered around the small wooden box holding John’s ashes, Jim clears his throat to get everyone’s attention. 

“Hello friends and family of John,” he starts… he makes a joke, the crowd laughs, and Dean smiles faintly. 

Dean doesn’t hear anything after that, he doesn’t really care. He feels sore, inside and out. 

Pastor Jim motions towards their small group, “Father Novak, Dean, Sam, do you wish to add anything?” 

Sam shakes his floppy head, curling into himself. Dean puts his arm around him and pulls his giant of a brother to lean on him. Jessica is there rubbing Sam’s back, her beautiful face drawn and sad.

“Cas,” a desperate whisper slips out of Dean. 

Cas places a large hand on the back of Dean’s neck, his thumb barely stroking Dean’s erratic pulse at the base of his throat. Dean melts under his touch. Cas was there when Dean first woke up, tears streaming down his face. All Dean could see was the blue of Castiel’s eyes swimming with tears. He can remember Castiel’s choked sobs, yelling for the doctors, for Sam, to let them know that he woke up. Cas has barely left his side. 

“I believe we have nothing to add Jim, if you could lead us into prayer,” Cas replies for himself and the brothers. 

Jim’s prayer is unheard by Dean, who is unraveling under Cas’ sure comforting touch. His hand and warmth are a steady presence. He’s missed Cas. 

After their road trip back from Sam’s graduation, he had barely seen the man. Cas was busy with the church and Dean had been busy with work and then with Azazel's sentencing. Which were excuses, he knows… Castiel is important to Dean and he should have made time for his best friend. But right now… all he feels is that life is too short. He almost died and he can’t live like his father did. Half living, just going through the motions. 

Overwhelmed, Dean’s emotions make him slightly nauseous. People come, give their condolences to the brothers, and move to the bar. It’s not until Bobby steps up to stand with Sam that Dean slips out the back. 

Leaning against the back wall, Dean takes in a shuddering breath. 

“Dean.”

“Cas... I... don’t... I...” 

Castiel pulls Dean into a hug, his hands once again anchoring Dean.

“I’ve got you,” Cas breathes, “You’re safe.” 

Sobs are wrenched from Dean’s chest. Dean cries for his father. For his childhood. For Sam’s childhood. He cries because he almost died. He cries because he’s alive and the guilt of being a survivor is overwhelming. Dean cries for the life he could have had if John had just left the two brothers in Sioux Falls with Bobby. He cries at the realization that he would have been with Cas. He could have been with Cas this entire time, but he let things get in the way.

Castiel holds him, his black clerical shirt soaking up Dean’s grief and regrets. Dean eventually calms , coming back into himself, awareness starts to trickle in as he can feel the angles of Cas’ body pressed up against his own. 

“I need you,” Dean whispers., and then again louder, “Don’t leave me.” 

“Dean,” Cas intones pulling himself away from Dean’s body, “I will never leave you. Everything else… anything, I’ll do everything you ask of me. I won’t leave.” 

Dean nods, staring into the depths of Castiel’s eyes. His eyes flicking down to the curve of his lips. Castiel sways towards him, they are still clasped in an intimate embrace. They must have been out here for at least an hour or two, the sun is setting behind Dean, casting an ethereal glow around Castiel.

With no hesitation, Dean presses his lips against Castiel’s. 

It’s like coming home. 

He finally feels alive. The hole in his chest that has been there for his whole life is filled. 

Feeling a gasp from Castiel, Dean fuses their bodies closer, his hands coming up to frame Cas’ face. Angling his mouth just so, to get a better taste. Dean kisses gently. His kisses are full of reverence. Full of love. Castiel tastes like the whiskey shot they had in honor of his father and something cool and fresh, his lips are dry but wonderfully soft. As always, Castiel smells like fresh mountain air, cool and sweet.

Castiel follows Dean’s movements hesitant at first; a nibble of the bottom lip, parted lips, a flick of the tongue, and then a heady roll of tongue. Castiel’s hands explore, over Dean’s pectorals and down his arms, up his arms and down his back to his ass. His hands travel back up again to his back, grasping at Dean’s suit. Dean lets him explore, lets him learn. He does explore himself, soft gentle kisses are Dean’s favorite and he peppers them over Castiel’s lips and jaw. He cradles Castiel’s face. He loves this man with every fiber of his being. He knows that now. He wants to worship this man, his body for the rest of his life. Dean is in no rush. 

Laying soft kisses all over Castiel, Dean enjoys feeling Castiel’s scruff up against his palms and the short hairs at the bottom of his neck. His fingers play in his hair, petting and running them through Castiel’s hair. He nips Cas’ jawby his ear with a small smile. Nibbling below, sucking.

Almost as if a switch was thrown, Castiel takes over the kiss. He’s more aggressive than Dean, faster, now sure of himself and of their mutual pleasure. Cas pulls Dean’s hips into his own, Dean can feel Castiel’s impressive length pressing up against his inner thigh. It’s even larger than Dean remembered.

Castiel cards his fingers into Dean’s hair, angling Dean’s mouth to kiss and suck and basically fuck his mouth with his own tongue. Dean’s hands scramble to touch all of Castiel. He can feel the muscular planes of his back and tightness of his ass. They both pant and moan into the kiss. 

It’s bliss and exactly how Dean imagined it to be. Years of pent up emotion and frustration are funneling into this one long amazing moment.

Dean rolls his hips into Castiel’s, the fabric of his dress pants catching on his member in a delicious friction. Castiel throws his head back, a deep needy whining in his throat. Dean pumps his dick against Castiel and groans. Never in his wildest dreams could he imagine Castiel being so reactive, so vocal, of his wants. 

He breaks the kiss, palming Cas’ member in his hands and undoing his zipper. Reaching in, he strokes Castiel with sure purpose, gathering precum in his hands and stroking the head. He’s got a beautiful cock, long and lean like the runner he is. Watching Castiel’s face, he sees Cas’ eyes roll into the back of his head. Dean is feeling high off his own arousal and the feeling of power; the feeling that he can undo Father Castiel Novak into a mindless mess. Castiel fucks into his hand with wanton abandon, it’s the hottest thing Dean has ever seen in his entire life. Castiel abs are tight, his hips jerking without rhythm, lost in pleasure. Dean can tell he’s so very close to coming. Their breath intermingling, Dean nips at Cas’ lips. 

“Come for me, Cas,” Dean rumbles out.

Frozen, Castiel stops. 

He looks at Dean with wild terror. Flicking Dean’s hand away from his member and shoving himself back into his pants, Dean winces at the action. 

“Cas,” Dean breathes, “Hey… what’s going on in that head of yours?”

It takes a long time for Castiel to answer him. For their breath to slow down and for awareness to come back into their senses. They stare into each other's eyes, Dean’s arousal fading to nothing when he sees tears forming in Castiel’s eyes. Dean has no clue how long they stand there, staring at each other. He can only imagine how he looks, face splotchy with tears and lips bruised from kissing. When Castiel finally speaks, the sun has set and the streetlight is the only illumination. Dean strains to hear him. 

“When you were young, I’d pretend that you were only mine. Those Thursdays after group, I looked forward to having you all to myself. I felt like there was a bond between us, growing underneath my ribs, a rope that tied us together. Then you left and my life was empty. You sent those journals and… I… I knew you were also touched by this bond. You came back, you returned to me, and I was the happiest I’ve ever been. But, it's been torture, watching you turn into something that I can never have over the years. Watching you sleep with all those women. Never seeing you when you were Lisa. Going on that road trip then seeing you dancing with another man. Sharing a bed with you. I’ve hated it, almost hated you,” Cas whispers eyes cast down. 

“I’m sorry, Cas. I never knew… I wish I did. It would have saved us a lot of time,” Dean awkwardly laughs here but shakes his head and collects himself, “But, you can have me, I can be yours. I swear, I’ll only be with you. You love me. Be with me.” 

Castiel whips his eyes up, “I love God. I serve God.” 

“You love me. I love you,” Dean states simply threading his fingers into the back of Castiel’s hair. Touching their foreheads together. He lays a sweet lingering kiss on Castiel’s lips. Cas sways into him, unable to stop himself. 

“Be with me. ” 

“Dean, I can’t,” Castiel cries out pushing Dean away, “I do love you, I always will. But I serve the church. I serve God.” 

“Can’t you serve God another way and be with me? Must the church have all of you?”

“Dean, you know that answer already. It is a necessary sacrifice to be a servant of God. We shouldn’t have done this, I shouldn’t have done this. Let's go back inside,” Cas says. 

“And pretend this never happened?” Dean cries out. 

“Yes, Dean. We have to,” Cas implores, “I’d rather be in your life and love you as a friend. I can’t lose you Dean. I can’t.” 

“No,” Dean hisses. 

“No? Dean please, I do love you. God knows how much I’ve hurt you, but I do love you,” Castiel cries reaching for Dean. Dean swells with rage and steps back.

“You love me?” 

“Yes, I know this is very hard., but please Dean. Don’t let this get between us. You’ve always been my friend, the most beautiful human image and thought…”

“Friend? Image? Thought?” Dean shouts interrupting Cas, “Is that all I am? I have loved you since I was seventeen years old, barely understanding what I was feeling was love. You talk about a bond? I’ve felt it and more. I’ve wanted you for the past four years, since the Christmas we shared your bed. I’ve tortured myself trying to be with other people. I knew I couldn’t have you. I buried those feelings and tried to be with others. But it never worked, I want to be with you, only you, for the rest of my life. You just told me that you love me. That you feel the same as I do. And you think I can just be friends with you? I can’t. I almost died and I can’t live my second chance at life and only living half a life with you. Why do you think every single one of my fucking relationships fail? Lisa? Because of you. Because she knew, if I had to choose between her and you… I’d always choose you. And ultimately I did choose you, I always do. I always will unless you tell me no.” 

“Dean,” Castiel says, tears slipping down his cheeks, “Don’t. What we just did… the actions are a sin.” 

Dean laughs brokenly, “It’s not a sin for me.” 

“I can’t,” Cas cries, “I can’t. I’m sorry, Dean.” 

“Well, I’m sorry too, then,” Dean states walking away. He can hear Cas calling his name, but he charges on… anger and sadness fueling his every step.


	12. Chapter 12

July 29, 2006  
Castiel

Falling to his knees, Castiel vomits up the whiskey destroying the lingering tingle of Dean’s kisses. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He screams, clutching at the dirty gravel beneath his hands. Sobbing loudly and unapologetically, his face is covered in snot, tears, and vomit. In the dying light of the sun, Castiel’s heart breaks. 

He stumbles to his car, legs heavy as led, and hands shaking trying to get his keys out of his pocket. 

His mind on repeat. 

_You love me. I love you. Be with me._

_Be with me._

_Well, I’m sorry, too. ___

__Closing his eyes, all of his senses are wrapped up in Dean. Dean’s verdant eyes filled with arousal and then tears and pain, so much pain. His hands running over Castiel, the feel of his calluses dragging on his skin and through his hair. Dean’s lips, the perfect plush bow abused with kisses. The curve of Dean’s legs, Castiel can still feel them pressed up against him. Castiel can still feel the hard line of Dean’s erection in his pants, pressed up against his own. Castiel sways from the tidal wave of emotion, overcome by the memories of Dean’s beauty and the tattoo of Dean’s heart against his palm._ _

__“Cas?” Jess’ voice breaks through, “What’s going on?”_ _

__“Going home,” He croaks out, hiding his face against the car._ _

__“What about Dean?” Jess asks, placing a hand on the middle of his back._ _

__What about Dean? What about him? Castiel has single handedly shattered both their hearts? For what? For God? Because it’s a sin? Is Dean’s love worth his soul? What has he done?_ _

__What the fuck has he done?__

____

__Clenching his teeth, a tortured scream escapes, rattling his chest. Jess grabs his arm and he shirks away from her touch, his body shaking from his sobs. He dry heaves, idly wondering if he does throw up on his car if it’ll harm the paintwork. Not that it matters, nothing else matters besides the pain in his chest and Dean’s voice ringing in his ears._ _

____

__“Cas, you're scaring me,” Jess quietly states, “Let me drive you home.”_ _

____

__She grabs his keys and steers him towards the passenger side. He blindly follows. He sits. He closes his eyes and tilts his head back. Feels the motion of the car and the turns it takes. Before he knows it, he feels a warm washcloth wiping off his face and then his hands._ _

____

__Jess has gotten him home, inside his own house, and on his bed without him being cognizant of any of it._ _

____

__“What’s going on?” Jess asks, scared of Castiel’s dead stare_ _

____

__“I lost everything… I lost Dean.”_ _

____

__He falls back, closes his eyes, and doesn’t respond to any more of Jessica’s questions. Castiel eventually hears Jessica leave. Maybe… just maybe he’ll write to Dean and everything will get better. With a little flicker of hope, he rolls over and falls into a tormented sleep._ _

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...
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> *sniff*  
> Since this is more of an interim chapter, I thought I'd post it today & another chapter will go up Friday. Thank you to all who have been leaving Kudos, comments, and have been bookmarking. I so appreciate it and I hope you all are staying safe and healthy.


	13. Chapter 13

July 20, 2007  
Dean

Sitting on the back porch of a cabin in Whitefish, Montana had seemed like a good idea a week ago… but now he’s just bored. Bored and alone with too many thoughts. He slept for the first two days. He drank for the next three days. He’s run out of beer and booze. So now he’s bored, lonely, and sober. 

Thinking back, Sam did warn him that running away from his problems wouldn’t solve them. But, with the Impala fixed for a while now, and vacation time burning in his pockets, Dean thought getting out of Sioux Falls was the best thing to do. 

So he drove and drove and drove. He drove until the scenery was no longer familiar and he had to pull out a map. He got lost, had to call Bobby, found his way and drove some more. The fields, trees, mountains all danced past the windows of the Impala unseen by Dean. His problems are still there. He’s still fucked. If he could go back in time and undo them. He’d jump into the DeLorean and rev the damn engine. Scrubbing his hands down his face and groaning, he wishes he could just erase this past year and then feels insanely guilty for it. 

It all started at the funeral. Dean can pinpoint exactly when it was that he started spiraling out of control. He suspects the loss of control started when Cas literally pushed him away, with Dean’s hand still on his dick. 

It escalated with his chosen coping mechanisms of drinking and sex. He fucked so many people, and was fucked by a few himself, it was a miracle he didn’t have a disease. And he’d know, he paid the price of getting tested every month. (He was being reckless not stupid, fuck-you-very-much.) He didn’t care what the other people whispered about him. Everyone knew that he was available for a good time, man or woman, top or bottom, it didn’t matter to Dean anymore. As long as it didn’t interfere with work, that was his one rule. He was still supporting Sam through graduate school, he couldn’t afford to lose his job. The only thing that did bother him was when the guys at the firehouse started calling him “Man-Whore-Dean” to differentiate between him and the other Dean on the team. He couldn’t blame them, he was with a new partner almost every week. 

And he knew, he knew it got back to Castiel. The letters started arriving at his shitty apartment as soon as the self-sabotaging behavior started. Thick envelopes that Dean didn’t dare to open. He didn’t want to read them, he couldn’t read them. 

He longed for Castiel, down to his marrow. He was drowning in his need for the priest. Yearning, anger, hatred. The feelings weighed Dean down. He never thought being in love with someone would suck so much. It hurt, being away from Cas, but it hurt seeing him more. The one time he caught a glimpse of Cas in the grocery store he wanted to punch Castiel’s lights out and then sink to his knees and cry like a baby for Cas to take him back.

The climax of his shitty year, Dean laughs thinking of that word and the empty climaxes he’s had over the year, was finding out that Lydia was pregnant. 

He got a girl pregnant. And to make it worse…she hated his guts. Lydia hadn’t even really remembered his name the next day, just asked him to leave. Of course, he ran into her later at a department store. Lydia was huge and pregnant and he hounded her until he knew that the baby was his.That day, when the DNA test proved that Emma was his, he was over the moon excited. Dean decided he was going to clean his act up and try to create a family with Lydia. Much to his dismay, she only wanted the child support checks from him. And Emma… Emma was such a beautiful baby. With tawny eyes and hair the color of the lightest of hay, Dean only got to see her but once a month. He was currently going through the process of getting legal mandated visits, it was Sam’s advice that he should fight for more. 

It broke Dean’s heart. He wanted a family, he wanted a slice of the apple pie life. He wanted a house, with the picket fence and the kids. Dean wanted a spouse, to talk to, to dance with, to laugh with, to curl up at the end of the night. He knew he couldn’t have Cas… but he’d settle for someone and be devoted to them. He just wanted someone to want him, for forever. Was it too simple a wish? 

He just wanted someone to want him. 

Dean was so deep in his musing, he didn’t hear a car pull up to the cabin nor the soft tread of someone walking towards him on the back porch. 

“Dean.”

Dean whips his head up, staring at Castiel like he had summoned him with his mind. “Cas.”

“Bobby told me where to find you,” Castiel says softly, after Dean opens the door and ushers him inside. 

Dean has nothing to say, he wants to scream out _“No, damn you! No more! Fuck you!” _But he doesn’t, he keeps his mouth shut while making coffee. His hands were shaking. He grips the counter, bowing his head… he didn’t think he would see Castiel again and he doesn’t even know if he really wants to see him. He’s been avoiding him, which is a classic Winchester move. Avoid, deflect, and push all the hurt and emotions down deep. He wants a real drink, but there is nothing left in this damn cabin. He busies himself with preparations, Castiel stands just to his left within arm’s reach, calmly watching on.__

__“I am moving to Chicago,” Castiel states, “I wanted to see you before I left.”_ _

__“Yeah? Well, good for you. When you are moving?”_ _

__“Now,” Cas says calmly, “I’m on my way to Chicago now.”_ _

__“That's quite a detour, Cas. What is it? A 25 hour detour. Not sure it was worth it.”_ _

__“It is worth it,” Cas breathes, “To see you again, it’s worth it.”_ _

__“No,” Dean hisses, throwing the coffee items down and launching himself away from the counter toward Cas, “You don’t have the right to say that shit to me.”_ _

__“I know, Dean. I know, I just can’t…even in your fury… I…,” Cas swallows his words, looking lost and hurt, “Forgive me.”_ _

__Dean smirks angrily crowding Castiel with his larger body. Stepping into his space, he knows how to push Cas away. He wants Cas gone. He wants to hurt Castiel the way he’s been hurting for the past year. He growls out, “ _Forgive you, Father Novak? _”_ _ __

__

__Castiel slumps, eyes cast down, when Dean presses up against him. Cas curls into Dean, dropping his head down onto Dean’s shoulder, his hands flexing to touch Dean but holding them stiffly to his sides. His body broadcasting that he’s trying to atone for his sins. Dean watches a war of emotions being expressed physically. Dean pushes Castiel’s chin up gently with the tips of his fingers. They lock eyes, breathe each other's air, lips inches apart._ _

__

__Dean feels the slow progression of Castiel’s member hardening against his leg. Arousal flushes through him like a tidal wave. Everything about the man turns him on, his blue eyes, the lines that formed around them, his soft lips, his golden skin. So much for driving Castiel away._ _

__

__“I know why you came here,” Dean whispers against Cas lips, “I bet you’ve done nothing but think of the last time we were together. Of my hands on you.”_ _

__

__Castiel tries to jerk back out of Dean’s reach but Dean holds on, his one hand bruising Cas’ hips. Castiel won't meet Dean’s eyes, his breath speeding up and his words faltering , “I’ve missed you. I regretted our parting. I wanted to see you, as a friend. Only as a friend. Only to see you, to talk to you, I even planned on sleeping on the living room couch.”_ _

__

__“Friends? Are you sure about that? Your cock is saying a different story.”_ _

__

__Cas’ pupils are blown with arousal, his face is flushed, his lips swollen from nervously biting them. Dean thinks he’s the most beautiful creature he’s ever seen. Dean runs his hands down his throat, feeling the stubble across his finger tips. _Fuck, he thinks, I’ve missed this.__ _

__

___“You're being crass to push me away,” Cas breath hitches when Dean rubs his own arousal against Cas’ body, “It won’t work.”_ _ _

__

___“No? Who says I want to push you away? Maybe I want you right here.” Dean whispers in Cas’ ear pushing him against the kitchen counter. His body trapped against Dean’s. Dean nipping at Castiel’s jaw, soothing over the bites with the flat of his tongue._ _ _

__

___“You never answered my letters,” Castiel stutters out, trying and failing to hide his own arousal, “I didn’t know you were getting them until Bobby told me.”_ _ _

__

___Dean worries Cas’ bottom lip in between his teeth, leaving Cas breathless and chasing his lips when he pulls away. Castiel is melting into Dean’s arms, letting Dean know that he truly wants this. Dean laves kisses against Cas’ chin and the moans that slip out of Castiel’s mouth zing straight to Dean’s crotch. Dean kisses Cas without finesse, full of lust and a little anger. Bruising, devastating, combative kisses that leave them both panting. In turn, Castiel ravishes Dean’s mouth, exactly the way he kissed Dean a year ago._ _ _

__

___“I got them,” Dean moans. He steers Castiel towards the couch, falling back so Castiel blankets his body. Castiel follows him, worshiping Dean’s lips._ _ _

__

___The kisses become less combative, slower but still intense and they curl Dean’s toes. Dean surrenders to Castiel. Every touch, every look, every kiss is dominated by the man above him. Dean melts under his hands, the anger leaching out of him. They pull off each other's shirts and Dean was silently hysterical at the way they have ended up here. One minute he’s furious at Castiel, the next they are half naked rutting against each other on the couch._ _ _

__

___“I thought you were mad at me,” Castiel pants carding his long graceful fingers into Dean’s hair, “I thought you hated me.”_ _ _

__

___“I am, I do,” Dean admits readily._ _ _

__

___Castiel stops, “What?”_ _ _

__

___Dean takes advantage of Cas’ shock, pulling off his belt and unbuttoning his pants. Shucking Castiel’s pants over his hips, dragging his underwear with them, his cock springing free._ _ _

__

___“I am mad at you,” Dean states, grabbing Cas’ member and giving it a long sure stroke, “But I want it. I want you more. I want this piece of you that the Holy Mother Church will never have. It’ll be mine.”_ _ _

__

___“ _Dean _,” Cas cries out.___ _ _

__

_____“I want you, do you want me?” Dean asks, stalling his movements._ _ _ _ _

__

_____“Yes,” Cas whispers out, almost like a prayer, “Yes.”_ _ _ _ _

__

_____Dean strokes Castiel, sure and steady, running his thumb over his head, swirling over an over gathering wetness and running it down his shaft. Watching his pleasure rise and fall above him. Castiel’s eyes full of unshed tears, his face ruddy with pleasure, watching his mouth drop open with a gasp. A silent cry, spilling over Dean’s hand and onto their stomachs.. Dean kisses Castiel softly as Cas rides out his orgasm._ _ _ _ _

__

_____“Dean,” Cas pants and then clears his throat awkwardly looking down at his come that has collected over Dean’s stomach and chest, “I didn’t mean to…”_ _ _ _ _

__

_____Dean smiles softly, “It’s ok, Cas.”_ _ _ _ _

__

_____Placing a hand in the middle of Castiel’s chest, Dean pushes him back to sitting. He wipes off his chest quickly using his discarded t-shirt. Getting up, he toes off his boots and steps out of his pants. Kneeling on the floor, in front of Castiel, he pulls off Cas’ shoes, socks, and then his jeans down to join his own clothing. He does this slowly, his hands soft and slow but with a slight tremor. Overwhelmed with the rise of his emotions clogging his throat._ _ _ _ _

__

_____“Join me in the bedroom?” Dean asks, standing gloriously nude and holding out his hand._ _ _ _ _

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to anyone who has been reading! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter as much as I did. ;)


	14. Chapter 14

Castiel  
July 20, 2007 - July 26, 2007

Castiel looks up at Dean’s hand, reaching and inviting him to share their bodies. His heart racing, the song of Solomon swirling around in his mind. Lust and love whirling in him, overwhelmed by the divine radiance and beauty of Dean’s flesh. He can’t help but feel like the wife describing her husband; “ _My beloved is radiant and ruddy, distinguished among ten thousand. His head is the finest gold; his locks are wavy… his eyes are like doves besides streams of water…his lips are lilies dripping liquid myrrh… his arms are rods of gold set with jewels. His body is polished ivory…His legs are alabaster columns. His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable._ ”

Sliding his hand into Dean’s, Dean then rewards Castiel’s timid action with a breathtaking smile, making Castiel weak in his knees. He follows Dean quietly to the bedroom, watching his lover’s muscles flex and stretch down his beautiful legs, back, and butt. He gazes at Dean’s nude form and can no longer convince himself that something so beautiful is a sin. He thanks his divinely Father for giving him the love of this man.

Following Dean, he hesitantly lies next to the younger man, giving him a soft but embarrassed smile. He’s completely flaccid now, while Dean is still flush with arousal. He must have been so obvious about his embarrassment because Dean breaks his musing with hushed words.

“The first time,” Dean says using his fingertips tracing Castiel’s eyebrows and down his face towards his lips, “Is usually the quickest because your body isn’t used to it.”

Castiel blush deepens, not responding to Dean as he runs his fingers over his lips. Dean kisses him, tongue and teeth teasing. Castiel can feel Dean’s arousal pressed up against his stomach, heady and hard like steel.

“Doesn’t mean we stop,” Dean smiles wolfishly, “You can touch me too, ya know?”

“I know that,” Castiel grumbles out, feeling awkward and unsure.

“I can show you,” Dean breathes out, “You can watch and when you are comfortable, you can take over.”

Castiel marvels at the ease Dean has with sharing his body. The man before him is beyond comparison. He watches as Dean grabs a small bottle from the bedside dresser and adjusts the pillows behind him. His eyes glued to Dean’s form, watching him pour some of the lube into his hand.

“I’m usually the one who likes watching,” Dean chuckles but then lets out a low soft moan when his hand circles his own shaft.

“Yeah?” Cas asks, unable to really hold a conversation. His mind blissed out watching the rise and fall of Dean’s chest and the slow progression of his hand.

“You want this, right?” Dean pauses, his face full of uncertainty.

“Yes.”

Dean leans over and kisses him sweetly. Green eyes meet blue and Castiel watches as Dean pleasures himself. Parted plush lips, eyes heavy lidded, and the cords of his muscles stand out with every action.

“Kiss me again,” Dean pleads out.

Castiel can’t argue with Dean’s request, he tangles his tongue with Dean’s until they are both panting. Castiel works up the courage to touch Dean, then kiss him, everywhere. Hot, wet, and desperate until Dean is trembling beneath him. He is a squirming, panting, moaning, mess repeating his name like a prayer; “ _Cas, Cas, Cas_.”

“Beautiful,” Cas sighs against Dean’s lips watching the man come undone beneath him. Everything about him is divine in this moment; the flush of his cheeks, his spent cock, the white of his emission painting Dean’s stomach and his chest, the aftershocks that roll out, and then Dean’s lazy smile that spreads across his face.

* * *

When Castiel finally sinks into Dean, inch by inch ever so slowly from behind… it’s almost like being enveloped by Dean’s bright soul. Tears slip out and his whole body shakes with emotion. He can feel the muscles of Dean’s channel hugging him, molding around his cock, sucking him further into Dean’s tight, wet, heat. His lover is soft and patient the first time, content with the stuttering and untried rhythm of Castiel’s hips.

“Right there,” Dean’s deep voice whispers, “Perfect, that’s perfect. You are doing so good, Cas.”

Dean rolls his hips, brushing Castiel’s cock along the ridges of his heat.

“ _Perfect, perfect, fuck, Cas. You feel so fucking good. God, I love the feeling of your cock_.”

Castiel’s only response is to plant hot open mouth kisses on Dean’s back. He feels bereft without Dean’s kisses, loss without his expressions.

He feels Dean laugh before he hears it, “You ok back there?”

“Dean,” Cas chokes out, “I want to kiss… you. I want to see you.”

Adjusting to the positions is messy and sloppy and Dean lets out a tiny little chuckle. Making his eyes crinkle and Castiel ever so happy.

Castiel kisses Dean sloppily and Dean continues to let out little happy moans and quiet laughter.

Hooking his legs around Castiel’s waist, Castiel is met with little resistance as he enters Dean again. He watches as his lover throws his head back in rapture, lips parted and letting out little puffs of air.

Castiel soaks in all the little details.

The freckle on Dean’s left nipple. The way Dean bites his bottom lip and then soothes it with his tongue. The flex of his biceps and forearms. The pads of his fingers digging into Castiel’s ass.

Everything is glorious.

How Dean curves and rolls to meet his own hips. The feeling of Dean’s cock cradled between the softness of their stomachs.

Dean’s eyes.

Flecks of gold in fields of verdant grass.

The curve of his lips. The soft cupid’s bow that he works in between his own.

Fuck. He’s lost in this man.

“Perfect,” Dean smiles.

 _Perfect,_ is all he can think getting lost in Dean.

* * *

By the end of the week, Dean is keen to ride him with wanton abandon with Castiel meets his thrusts with bruising force. The two men kiss messily as if trying to devour each other. They have had each other in every possible way. Every inch of skin has been licked, fucked, and teased. Scratches and bruises pepper his neck, hips, and anywhere Dean can reach while they are entwined together.

When it is Castiel’s turn to feel the stretch, the burn, and to feel deliciously full… he knows in his marrow that he has been born again. When Dean pounds into his prostate gland, he comes untouched and revels in the feeling of Dean spilling into him.

Castiel feels lost and found with every single touch.

* * *

“Are you still going to Chicago?” Dean asks quietly. It’s their last night together, it’s already deep into the night and Dean has been restless laying next to him, Castiel knows he’s having anxiety about leaving tomorrow even though it is unspoken. Neither one of them have spoken about anything of substance, a silent truce to not mar the week of pleasure.

“Yes,” Castiel sighs out, “I’ve secured myself a position at University of Illinois at Chicago.”

Dean pops up to turn on the lamp, “What?”

“I’m teaching, Religious Studies,” Castiel says watching Dean’s expressions. They are both sitting up, naked, Dean’s arms resting on the tops of his knees.

“You're going to Chicago to teach? Why not teach at Sioux Falls?”

“They didn’t have any openings. I sent my resume to many different positions around the United States, UIC was the best option for me. I can live with Gabriel and Kali until I get my own place.”

“Ok,” Dean says twisting the sheet in between his fingers, “I guess you're really moving to Chicago then.”

Clearing his throat, Castiel covers Dean’s anxious hands, “Would you ever leave Sioux Falls?”

Dean’s face crumples, “I can’t. I have Emma.”

“Emma?” Castiel pales and tries to think, nobody ever mentioned Dean being in a real relationship.

Betty, that busty old lady in his Sunday class who happened to be Dean’s neighbor, cheekily has informed him every single Sunday what Dean had been up to every weekend for the last two years. The number of liquor bottles in his recycling bin, the loud sex she could hear because they shared a wall, and that some of Dean’s partners were even men. Castiel swore that Betty wanted to get a damn reaction out of him, not that he ever caved, but he wondered why she never mentioned an Emma.

“My daughter, I have to stay in Sioux Falls for Emma.”

“You have a daughter.”

“Yes, Cas. I have a daughter. I’ve had a lot of stupid sex the last year and I have a daughter to show for it,” Dean snaps.

Emotions swirl as Castiel stares into Dean’s eyes, great sadness but then happiness. He has to be happy for Dean.

“Dean,” Cas mollifies and feels a surge of happiness for Dean, “That’s wonderful. You’ve always wanted a family.”

Dean lips purse so hard that they become white, “Yes. You’re right. I’ve always wanted a family.”

“Why are you upset?” Cas asks, tilting his head to the side to really get a good look at Dean, “Is it Emma’s mother?”

“No… well, yes,” Dean grinds out, “I have a lawyer trying to get more time with Emma. Maybe even custody because Emma’s mom is batshit insane, she’s involved with some kind of strange women’s cult. But that’s not the point… I’m not upset about that… I just…”

Castiel kisses his lips softly to stop his words, “I’m sure everything will work out. You will be a wonderful father. I always knew you would be. You have been so devoted to raising Sam, you’ve got a stable income. Everything will be fine.”

“What about you?” Dean murmurs, eyes searching Castiel’s face.

“What about me?”

“What am I to do about you?”

Castiel stops, he’s been running his fingers through the short hairs on the back of Dean’s head. What is Dean to do about him? In an ideal world, prejudices wouldn’t matter… they’d be able to continue and their relationship wouldn’t hurt Dean’s chances of securing custody of Emma. But it’s only 2007 and gay marriage is only legal in Massachusetts and people are cruel. So cruel. They’d be even more cruel when they figure out Castiel is a priest. Or former priest or whatever he is now that he’s been suspended from his clerical duties.

“Nothing,” Castiel sighs.

Dean’s face falls, Castiel can see his heartache again before his eyes, “What are you saying?”

“I’m going to Chicago and you are going to get custody of your daughter,” Castiel says quietly.

“So… nothing?” Dean chokes out, “You don’t even want to take a chance at us?”

“I think being with me would ruin your chances to gain access to Emma,” Castiel responds, trying to make his voice rational and soothing. He has to do what’s best for Dean, regardless of what it does to him.

Dean nods, hiding his face into the crook of his elbow away from Castiel. Dean reaches over and turns off the lamp. Curls up on his side, distancing himself from Castiel. He can hear Dean’s measured, slow breathing. Unfolding Dean from himself, Castiel curls himself around the younger man. Arms locked around him and legs entwined.

Nothing else is really said.

They agree to convoy together, Castiel following the roar of the Impala for over a thousand miles. Stopping at diners, gas stations, and a motel the one night to break up the trip. Even when Dean sinks into Castiel’s body, the only words that are uttered are soft moans of pleasure and each other’s names on their lips.

When they reach Sioux Falls, Castiel drives on, the temptation to stop and stay too great. It’s not until he’s a few hundred miles away that he hastily pulls his car into the next rest stop. He allows himself to feel the crushing pain of loss as he sobs into the steering wheel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> I know, I know! These two are breaking my heart. It will get better.  
> Thank you to all you stop and review and leave kudos. They are like hugs.  
> Everyone stay healthy and safe!


	15. Chapter 15

June 27, 2015

_‘Dean!’ ___

__Gasping, clutching the sheets to his chest, Dean shakes the last vestiges of the dream away. He often dreams of Castiel. He’s always walking away and Dean is searching for him in a nightmare of a forest. This specific dream was different, he was yanked away from Castiel by some kind of vortex._ _

__A little part of Dean’s heart aches for Castiel, every day for the last eight years. He can’t let him go. And Dean knows that he’s secretly living a half life, living a lie and wishing his life was someone different. He didn’t want his life to become this, he feels like he’s becoming his father, pining away for someone who is gone. But it’s worse, because Cas isn’t truly gone, he just doesn’t want Dean the way Dean wants him too._ _

__He decides to get up and go check on Emma. It’s two AM and he knows he won’t fall asleep without some assistance from his friend Jack Daniels. Shuffling down the hallway, peeking in on the nine year old. She’s sound asleep, limbs askew. Dean smiles and continues on to his small office. He sits down in his worn overstuffed chair after pouring himself a drink, keeping the bottle nearby. Pulling the box of letters towards himself, he fiddles with the worn top._ _

__Maybe tonight is the night he reads the letters Cas sent him so many years ago. The letters stopped about a month or so after they last saw each other in Montana._ _

__He decides against it, shoving them back under the chair. No matter how much he misses Cas, he won’t read the letters, he can’t bring himself to torture himself even more._ _

__He had thought distance would ease his heartbreak. But Dean’s life has moved on in a way and ways it hasn’t. Dean was granted custody of Emma after her Mother’s cult was disbanded for child endangerment. Sam graduated from law school, got married, and then they started their family; Henry, Mary, Robert, and another baby on the way. Then Sam had moved his family to Lawrence, Kansas and so Dean moved to Kansas with Emma and Bobby Singer. (He couldn’t leave the grizzly old mechanic back in Sioux Falls and somehow had persuaded him to come along.) Sam bought a house, so Dean bought a house in the same neighborhood. Sharing his modest four bedroom ranch home with Bobby and Emma. He loved his home, he bought it as a foreclosure and restored the entire thing._ _

__Restoring the house brought a lot of happiness to Dean, but now that the projects are done… he doesn’t quite know what to do to distract himself. He’s still alone and that part hasn’t changed in the past eight years._ _

__He knows that Sam still talks to Cas regularly, he just can’t bring himself to call him._ _

__In the beginning, he justified not calling because… what was there to say? He didn’t have anything important to say to Cas. His life was the same. He went to work, he went home, he fought for Emma. When he gained custody of Emma… he was so busy raising a child that he could barely keep his head above water. Now, so many days and years have passed that he’s embarrassed to call. What on earth could he say now?_ _

__Retrieving the worn shoe box from under the chair, he opens it, taking a long drink from the bottle, the glass long forgotten. Playing with the box in his hands, he opens it up and takes a deep sigh. The letters are on top, but he shuffles those to the side, pulling out the photos from Sam’s undergrad graduation._ _

__They were so young and happy. They are all beaming in the photo, Dean’s arms are looped around Sam and Castiel. He looks so young and Cas looks so young. Castiel is so beautiful, with his windswept hair and cerulean eyes. And Dean… Dean tries not to think about their ages, unless his knees are acting up, but in that moment he feels older than his thirty-six years._ _

__Dean eventually falls asleep, curled up in his chair, his whiskey loosely clasped in one hand. The picture of the three of them in his other. He woke up to Sam standing over him, pulling the bottle out of his hand and putting on the large bookcase next to him._ _

__“Morning,” Dean blearily says getting up and straightening out of his chair._ _

__“Morning,” Sam states, eyes sad, “Bobby called me over.”_ _

__“Oh shit,” Dean hisses, “Did Emma see?”_ _

__“No, she’s still asleep,” Sam hesitates sinking down in the rickety computer chair across from Dean, “Did you watch the news yesterday?”_ _

__“Yes?”_ _

__Sam nods, rubbing his hands nervously together, “It’s a good thing for everyone. Now that gay marriage is legal.”_ _

__“Yeah, I guess,” Dean scoffs rubbing his eyes, “You want an egg sandwich?”_ _

__“Sure, Dean, that sounds good,” Sam sighs following Dean to the kitchen._ _

__He can tell Sam wants to talk, but Dean dodges him by keeping Sam busy and spending the day with him. They tinker under the hood of Jess’ car, Bobby barking orders from above him, Jess and the kids laughing playing in the sprinkler. It’s a good day. He doesn’t think much when Sam wanders off to take a phone call, but his brother comes back with a worried expression on his face._ _

__“Who was that?”_ _

__Sam looks down at his phone and fiddles with it, taking a beat before he answers his older brother._ _

__“It was Cas,” Sam answers slowly and looks up at Dean with a little defensive hostility, “We still talk.”_ _

__“Yeah, I know that. What did he want?”_ _

__“His niece, Claire got arrested. I’m going to go to Pontiac, see if I can help out,” Sam sighs rubbing the back of his neck._ _

__The last letter he received was from Chicago. Confusion lacing his voice he couldn’t help but blurt out, “What is Cas doing in Pontiac? I thought he was in Chicago?”_ _

__“Jimmy and Amelia died a year ago, he has custody of Claire and he’s the sole beneficiary of their estate,” Sam states shortly, moving through the house towards the backyard where Jess and the kids are._ _

__It feels like the rug has been pulled from under Dean, the sadness he felt for Castiel losing his twin is overwhelming. He follows Sam out back into the backyard, ignoring Bobby’s curious look in the kitchen. A painful thump in his chest telling him that he probably should have read all of those letters._ _

__“How is he?” Jessica asks, ignoring Dean’s presence, “How did his surgery go?”_ _

__“Cas isn’t doing so great. Jack is trying to help but he’s just a kid, but Cas is… well, Claire ran off two days ago and got arrested. Shoplifting. She’s sitting in juvie over the weekend. I think I am going to go, I don’t know what I can do for him about Claire, besides find a lawyer in the area. But I know he can’t be alone. Gabriel and Kali are trying to get away from work, but… he’s all alone.”_ _

__Jessica sighs looking at her husband, holding his hand and squeezing, “You can go. The kids and I, we can stay here. Cas doesn’t need a houseful right now.”_ _

__“Jack?” Dean blurts._ _

__Jessica looks up at Dean, “Jack. Cas adopted him.”_ _

__“I didn’t think they let Priests have kids,” Dean states._ _

__Jessica looks at Dean and blows out a hot, loud breath of anger, “He’s not a priest anymore, Dean. Hasn’t been one in a long time and you’d know that if you actually really talked to him.”_ _

__“Jessica,” Sam warns._ _

__“What?” She snaps back, “It’s the truth. I’m done tiptoeing around this shit. I was done tiptoeing around this shit years ago, after your father’s funeral.”_ _

__“Jess,” Sam warns again, “Cas told us it wasn’t our business and it’s still not our business now.”_ _

__“I don’t know what he told you…” Dean starts._ _

__“He didn’t tell us anything. Nobody ever tells us anything! And I am so sick of it,” Jess sasses back, “He was sobbing violently in his car after the funeral. I had to drive him home. He couldn’t really tell me anything besides the fact that he lost Dean and even then, it was an incoherent mess. So yeah, I feel a little entitled about wanting to know what happened to my friend that day. Then he moves to Chicago and he never mentions you. Goes out of his way to not mention you. How fucked up is that? Normal people with normal reasons don’t do that. So what's the reason Dean?”_ _

__Sam is quiet, head bowed picking at his fingers but looking toward their children in the yard looking curiously on, “Jess, really this isn’t a good time.”_ _

__“When is it a good time, Sam?” Jessica asks, suddenly choking back tears, emotion overwhelming her. Dean blames the pregnancy hormones, Jess is a ballbuster and she’s usually not one to for hysterics._ _

__Dean really looks at his family, Bobby, Sam, Jess, and the kids… they aren’t going to judge him. Dean knows he can be honest with Sam and Jess, at least about this, this truth that happened so long ago. His eyes flick up, making sure the kids are far enough that they can’t really hear what is being said. Bobby is still in the kitchen making cornbread._ _

__Clearing his own emotion from his throat the words tumble out of him, “I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but he said he loved God more than me.”_ _

__“Huh?” Sam asks, his head snapping up._ _

__“I told him I loved him and he told me it was a sin. That he loved God more,” Dean states a little clearer, “That's what our fight was about at Dad’s funeral.”_ _

__“Holy fucking shit,” Jessica whistles out wiping her eyes anger forgotten, “Are you serious?”_ _

__“Yes,” Dean replies, suddenly feeling exhausted and yet a hundred pounds lighter, “I wanted to be with him. Lisa had broken up with me, Dad died, and I thought… I’d been in love with him for almost ten years, why shouldn’t I be with him?”_ _

__“Ten years?” Sam asked._ _

__“Since I was seventeen, I remember falling for him when we went to Milton’s farm,” Dean sighs, rubbing the back of his neck._ _

__Sam and Jessica sit in awed silence. Dean shifts uncomfortably, pinching his bottom lip and then letting it go._ _

__“Then we spent a week in Montana together a years later,” Dean blurts out._ _

__“Wha-” Jessica gasps out and Sam just looks at him with round eyes._ _

__“He found me at Rufus’ fishing cabin before he moved to Chicago. We spent a week together and you know… _we spent the week together _,” Dean blushes remembering, “I thought, finally we could be together… that it all meant something…but I was wrong. He didn’t want to start a family with me.”___ _

____“Is that what he said?” Jess asks._ _ _ _

____“Well, no… but when I told him about Emma. He said he was going to Chicago,” Dean explains._ _ _ _

____“God, Dean,” Sam lets out, “I… I don’t know what to think.”_ _ _ _

____“It’s old news,” Dean lies._ _ _ _

____“It’s not old news, it still affects you,” Sam cries out._ _ _ _

____“C’mon, man. It was eight years ago, it doesn’t affect me anymore,” Dean protests._ _ _ _

____They all stand in awkward silence while the kids play noisily in the background. Mary and Emma are making mudpies, little Robby is just rolling around in it, and Henry is slinging it against his fence. None of them are really playing in the sprinkler anymore and Dean just doesn’t have the mental fortitude to make them stop._ _ _ _

____“When was the last time you were on a date?” Jess asks quietly._ _ _ _

____“I’ve been busy with Emma.”_ _ _ _

____“When’s the last time you got laid?” Jess asks._ _ _ _

____“I don’t remember,” Dean lies._ _ _ _

____He does remember._ _ _ _

____Very clearly._ _ _ _

____It was Cas in Broadus, Montana on their road trip back from Whitefish. They had their own little cabin with soft cotton coverlets over both queen beds. Cas had thrown one of the coverlets on the floor in his haste and Dean’s hands had shook so badly that Castiel had to unbutton his jeans for him. Castiel even took off his shoes and socks. It was a complete reverse from their first time together._ _ _ _

____It was Castiel that took both of their cocks in his large hands and worked them together until he demanded Dean to fuck him. Castiel who had begged Dean to be stretched using his tongue and fingers until he was incoherent. Castiel rode Dean that night. His long runner’s thighs twitching with sweat. His hair sticking up like a halo, wrecked by Dean’s fingers._ _ _ _

____His cerulean eyes practically glowed with lust and love and adoration._ _ _ _

____“I think you need to read the letters,” his brother quietly says breaking Dean’s reverie._ _ _ _

____“Yeah, maybe,” Dean waves off feeling awkward._ _ _ _

____“You should go to Pontiac with Sam,” Jess hedges out._ _ _ _

____“No, it’s in the past, he doesn’t want me there, so let it go,” Dean warns._ _ _ _

____Looking at his brother and sister, leveling a look that they should warrant no argument. Dean thinks he’s won, they’ll let it go. Until Sam surges up and runs into the house, Jess hot on his trail._ _ _ _

____Dean chases after them, before he can stop them… Sam’s got the box from under the chair open and reaches in for the first letter and has ripped it open. The envelope laying gutted on the floor._ _ _ _

____“July 30, 2006, Dean, Your words are running through my mind and I feel sick-”_ _ _ _

____Dean wrangles the letter out of his brother’s hand._ _ _ _

____“Fuck you,” snarling, “How dare you.”_ _ _ _

____“What Dean? I thought it was in the past,” Sam snarls back._ _ _ _

____“You know it's fucking not,” Dean shouts._ _ _ _

____“Then go to Pontiac,” Jess states, getting between the two of them, laying her hands on each of their chest, “Read the letters and go.”_ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> It's Friday! Not that means anything where I am sitting... quarantine life is like the Mystery Spot, you know? Everyday is the same with a young toddler. I hope you all are staying safe and are finding happiness during these scary times. You will be happy to know that this work is complete! Just waiting on the last chapters to be edited. In other news, I'm working on a oneshot with the lovely [Feathers!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feathers7501%22) It's going to be full of magic and smut, so tune in to that. 
> 
> [Lets follow each other on Tumblr! ](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ioasccel)


	16. Chapter 16

_July 30, 2006_

_  
Dean,_

_Your words are running through my head and I feel sick. Sick to my stomach, and sick to my heart._

_Disgusted with myself that I got so caught up in my desire and at the same time…grieving the thought that you’ll never touch me that way again._

_I don’t know what I am doing, Dean. I love you with every fiber of my being. Is that love worth damnation? I don’t know. I can’t figure it out without you._

_I’m lost._

_I love you. Please don’t shut me out. Please write back to me._

_I’m so sorry. I know, I know you are hurting because of your Father. And now this… what I did to you is unforgivable._

_You're not answering your phone. I think you’ve blocked my number._

_Yours forever,  
Castiel_

* * *

_September 25, 2006_

_  
Dean,_

_It’s been two months and I haven’t heard from you._

_Bobby told me you’ve been sick. Sam said you are drinking more. He’s worried._

_Please, please answer me. I won’t come by, I know you don’t want that… but just let me know you are ok. Let me make this right. I just want to apologize and make this right. I want to be friends again and talk about what happened._

_Yours forever,  
Castiel _

* * *

_  
November 4, 2006  
_

_Dean,_

_It’s been four months and I’m losing hope._

_People are telling me awful things._

_Please answer me, I just want what's best for you._

_Yours,  
Cas_

* * *

_January 24, 2007  
_

_Dean,_

_Happy Birthday._

_I hope you are doing well and that the holidays were good for you. I feel that guilty I didn’t wish you a Merry Christmas, but I hope it was a happy one. I’ll never forget the Christmas afternoon that you shared with me. It's one of my favorite memories. Kali and Gabriel came down, they are getting married and are expecting their first baby. I’m so happy for them._

_It’s a lonely time of year. Happy, magical, but it’s still so lonely._

_I’m sure it was hard without your Father. Time heals all wounds, they say… but I don’t know if that’s true._

_I hope you don’t mind, but I still talk to Sam and Bobby. I don’t have many friends in this world and… I love Sam too. I can’t give him up. I am so glad he’s doing well in graduate school. When do you think he’ll finally propose and marry Jessica? I hope soon. You’ve done such a good job raising him._

_Bobby has been giving me advice, I didn’t tell him anything about our argument, but he says that you’re still grieving and that I should give you space. I desperately want to see you, but I’ve been staying away. It’s killing me to stay away._

_I love you Dean. I hope you answer one of these letters one day. I’m so sorry._

_Yours forever,  
Castiel_

* * *

_February 30, 2007  
_

_Dean,_

_I saw you at the grocery store today._

_You stormed off before I could say anything. I know you're still angry._

_I would prostrate myself at your feet right now and beg you to forgive me._

_I really don’t think you’re reading these letters. I should probably stop, but I don’t know if I can. I miss our friendship. If I could have anything back, it would be our friendship._

_I love you so much, Dean._

_Yours,  
Cas_

* * *

_March 13, 2007  
_

_Dean,_

_I punched Father Adler in the face in front of the entire congregation at the spring picnic. He told me that you were a disgusting sodomite and I lost it. I didn’t even know I had done it until a member pulled me off him._

_Obviously, I have been suspended from my clerical duties. I’ll probably be defrocked because I’m unrepentant. I’m going to lose my livelihood and my home. I don’t know how to stop being a priest. I don’t know how to walk away from my calling. How do I do this? I feel like a millstone is tied around my neck, sitting on my chest. I’ve had my doubts, my questions…_

_I know I am a poor example of a priest anyways. I fell in love with you._

_You know Jimmy warned me. He saw how I felt before I even admitted it to myself._

_By all that is Holy, you were only 17 and I was so in love with you. I didn’t even know it then, I thought it was just some innocent friendship. I should have known better. You were so beautiful, Dean. You are so beautiful now._

_I remember seeing you for the first time after all those years, how shocked I was that you had transformed into a man. You are a man and I’m… I’m just a shell without you. I wish you were reading these letters. I wish you could see how much I regret hurting you._

_I am tormented that my actions have hurt you so much that you’ve been drowning your sorrows. I hear all about your drinking and the sex._

_Is it wrong that I’m jealous? You're having relations with a lot of people… and I’m jealous. I’ve always been jealous, Dean. I was jealous of you dancing with that man in California and I’m jealous of your partners now._

_If I am going to lose everything… I want to feel your lips against mine. I want to feel your hands on my body. I want you to whisper lustful things in my ear._

_Please, Dean. Just talk to me._

_Yours,  
Cas _

* * *

_July 3, 2007  
_

_Dean,_

_I finished my degree, I’ll be graduating soon. I got a job at a University in Chicago. I’ll be moving there before the fall semester starts up in August. I hope I can see you before I leave._

_Love,  
Cas_

* * *

_August 2, 2007  
_

_Dean,_

_I’m in Chicago now._

_I didn’t want to leave you. That week at the cabin was the best week of my life. I hope that once your case against Emma’s mother is over we’ll be able to pick up and be together. I’m sorry we are at a standstill right now. I’ve got a contract with the college and once that’s over, we can readdress everything._

_I know it’s relatively soon in a way, but I’d love to build a life with you. After last week, I cannot imagine anything better than sharing your bed and waking up to you for the rest of my life._

_I love you so much._

_I got a new number, I’ve enclosed it._

_Love,  
Cas_

* * *

_September 4, 2007  
_

_Dean,_

_I’ve called you, I’ve left messages. Are we really going back to this? Are you not going to answer my calls? I think we’ve had a misunderstanding. You really need to answer my phone calls or my letters._

_Cas_

* * *

_September 13, 2007  
_

_Dean,_

_Sam says you don’t read my letters. I don’t know why I’m writing this. I wanted things to be different. I’ve asked Sam what I should do, but he tells me that you won’t even mention my name and you change the subject. What happened?_

_Cas_

* * *

October 4, 2007

Dean,

_I’m sorry, but this will be my last letter._

_I’ve realized that this habit of pouring out my soul into these letters is fruitless. You never respond. You aren’t answering your phone._

_I thought..I don’t know really what I thought when we were at the cabin. I thought things would be different. What we did was… everything to me. I will never forget it. I feel it deep in my soul._

_But… You don’t answer my calls, you don’t answer my letters. _

_I know I’ve hurt you and myself in the process. I just wanted what was best for you. I wanted you to have Emma and build a family for yourself. I was giving you time, Dean. You deserve everything._

_I’ve been waiting for you. To come to me, to breathe deep and eventually forgive me._

_But you haven’t and I feel like I’m dead to you._

_I will always love you Dean._

_There isn’t anything else to really say. I think it’s time for me to move on._

_Castiel_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> Hello there! Shout out to those who have been commenting, your words (and your tears) are much appreciated. ;) I hope you all enjoyed this chapter & the next one will posted here shortly since this one was so short. Two for one Friday, right?


	17. Chapter 17

October 15, 2007  
Castiel

Castiel prides himself on his work ethic. He stays busy, goes above and beyond for his students and honestly he is loving his job. He stays so busy that it’s not until he reaches the weekend that all of his buried emotions come rushing back. When he gets to his Saturday mornings, his day of rest, his heart and soul cries out so much that it's debilitating and he lies in bed for the majority of the day.

He has a feeling that Kali and Gabriel know what was going on, but they have never pried, never asked any direct questions until very early one Monday morning. He had spent the weekend locked in his room after sending his last letter to Dean, knowing it would go unread and unanswered.

“Cassie, love,” Kali starts and looks towards her husband to take over.

“What’s going on?” Gabriel finishes in a serious tone, the lack of smart ass humor sets off alarm bells in Castiel’s mind.

“Nothing,” Castiel denies quickly.

“Castiel, I’m worried about you. Coming here, it was supposed to be good for you, get a fresh start, step away from the Church and really live. I feel like you’ve gotten worse,” Gabriel says softly and slowly like Castiel is a wounded animal- which he guesses he is.

“Just talk to us,” Kali pleads, “We’re not going to judge you.”

Castiel looks between his brother and his wife, deciding that he might as well come clean. It will feel good to purge this from his chest. Almost like a confession. And Castiel misses confession. He misses church. He misses his Sunday bible school and he misses his church friends. He misses Father Samandriel Johnston, who was so kind to him when the Bishop berated him for his actions. He had handed his notice to Samandriel, explaining that he’d rather walk away and pursue his Dispensation on his own terms than to be dragged through the mud by others. He has his pride, after all.

“I went to see Dean before I came here,” voice wavering Castiel continues, “I thought… I thought we had reconnected but he’s ignoring me again.”

Gabriel sets his coffee down and sits across from Castiel at the breakfast table. Interlacing his fingers underneath his chin, his face is clear of any emotions. He waits for Castiel to continue on with the story, finally breaking the silence himself.

“What happened when you saw him?”

Castiel fiddles with his own coffee cup, scratching at the coffee drips down the side before he whispers the answer, “We were intimate.”

“Oh, honey,” Kali gasps out but Gabriel raises his hand to quiet her.

“Did you get into a fight?” Gabriel asks.

“No, but I thought we were in agreement to not do anything about our relationship until he got custody of Emma. I didn’t expect him to ignore me. I’ve been writing to him, but I decided to stop. I… I have decided to let things go for now,” Castiel replies uneasy with his own decision.

“You aren’t writing any more letters?”

“No, no more letters.”

Gabriel lets out a deep sigh, nodding and getting up and pulling his brother into a hug, “I think that’s for the best, Cassie.”

Castiel knows his brother is right, but he cries into Gabriel’s shoulder and Gabriel holds him tightly until Castiel’s sobs quiet. He rubs away the tears and takes long shuddering breaths.

He’s got to let Dean go. Now that he’s not holding on so tightly, the ache in his chest is not so noticable. Before, it was as if he couldn’t breathe and now… now it’s a dull pressure . Castiel knows that Dean Winchester is the love of his life, but he can’t waste any more of his life waiting around for him.

“Darling,” Kali sighs looking towards Castiel, “I think it’s time that you should do whatever makes you happy.”

Kali is holding his nephew Alfie, rocking softly back and forth in the kitchen to keep him content while the adults talk. Castiel brushes back the hair from his nephew’s forehead, giving him a little smile and ticking him underneath his chin to hear his tinkling laughter.

“Having a family would make me happy,” Castiel murmurs looking thoughtfully at Alfie, “I don’t know if that’s possible. I don’t imagine myself falling in love again.”

“You don’t have to have a partner to have a family,” Kali states with passion.

“How about you move out first before you go off and adopt thirteen kids,” Gabriel jokes, trying to lighten the mood.

“Well, you don’t have to worry about that... I’ve found a small house in Cicero,” Castiel quips, “I was going to tell you guys tonight but I’ve already signed the paperwork.”

“Congratulations!”

“Thanks, I’ve got other good news too…” Castiel almost smiles with his first step in independence, “I’ve been offered a permanent position at the college. I’ll be an Assistant Professor next semester.”

“Cassie,” Gabriel cries in happiness, throwing his arms around his younger brother again, “I am so proud of you.”

* * *

  
January 24, 2009

Castiel’s days pass with relative ease. He works and he comes home but he still feels spiritually bereft. Leaving the church was not easy, the millstone still hangs around his neck and he often feels so distanced from God that he wonders why he left his spiritual home in the first place. His soul aches for a quiet place to worship. Castiel feels parched when he first walks into a nondenominational church known for its music and lively sermons. This decision launches a butterfly effect of events.

First, Castiel joins a bible study group for singles.

When he meets Hannah in the singles group, they become fast friends and eventually go on a few dates. It’s fun and he enjoys Hannah’s company, but the first time he kisses Hannah it feels inherently wrong. They part as friends, but the relationship is never quite the same afterwards.

Castiel’s second foray into dating is a bit more successful in some ways than his first. Castiel meets April Kelly at a bookstore and the date continues for the rest of the day. Castiel liked April, and when they tumble into bed there is a lot of chemistry. It feels good, but it doesn’t go beyond that one night.

The music Minister sets him up with Daphne Allen. Daphne is everything he could ever have wanted in a wife. She’s smart, kind, and spiritual. She makes Castiel laugh and they have a lot of things in common. The relationship is so easy and Castiel finds much happiness in simply being with Daphne. The chemistry, and eventually sex, is not as hot nor as intense as it was with Dean but even without that deep connection Castiel loves her. They date for an entire year and even talk about getting married.

The relationship crumbles when Castiel discloses that he was once a Catholic Priest. Daphne asks about his suspension and why he left. Eventually, they talk about Dean. Castiel is open and honest and doesn’t realize he’s driving nails into the coffin of their relationship with every detail he shares. Daphne breaks up with him, sobbing the entire time that she doesn’t want to be a second choice. Castiel begs her to stay, tries to convince her that he’s not settling, but her mind is made up. Castiel’s heart takes a bruising that day.

During this, the second of the butterfly effects happen, the church approaches Castiel to become their youth minister. Being with children, with teenagers, is something he’s always enjoyed. Between teaching at the college and Wednesday youth group, his life is very full and he feels like himself again. He loves being able to minister again without the dogma of the Catholic church. The freedom of being himself and still be Godly.

But he feels that something is missing in his life… and he doesn’t know what that is until he meets eleven year old Jack Kline for the first time.

Castiel knows instantly that a God has intended for this child to be his son. Jack is funny and so smart. He reminds Castiel of Sam and a little of Dean when they were younger, the curious nature and strength of character. It seems like fate when Jack comes to his youth group with a school friend. Jack is in a group home temporarily waiting for a foster home to open up and so Castiel immediately files the paperwork. He does the training and goes through the steps to open his home to Jack. He becomes a foster parent by the new year and brings Jack home by the end of the month. (It doesn’t escape Castiel’s notice that it’s Dean’s birthday when he finally gets to take Jack home.)

Bringing the child home is nerve wracking, but at the same time it feels so right. He’s going to be a father to Jack for the rest of their lives once all the papers are signed. Jack’s mother Kelly Kline had sadly passed away shortly after giving birth and had neglected to disclose the name of the baby’s father.

“Castiel, I’m going to be staying here, right?” a small voice asks, interrupting Castiel’s wandering thoughts.

“Yes, and I hope you like your room,” Castiel says crouching down at eye level with the boy, “If there is anything you would like to change, you can let me know.”

The room around the two of them is neutral, neither a girl’s room or boy’s room, but a soothing mint color with fun accents of terracotta and green. Castiel was uneasy about the color choices, but Kali had picked them out. He did make sure the room was filled with books, LEGO building blocks, toy cars, and even a few electronics that he had splurged on.

“Thank you, I think this is acceptable,” Jack informs him seriously, “Do you have anything to eat?”

“What are your opinions of peanut butter and jelly?”

“I like it, but only if I can put potato chips inside my sandwich,” Jack replies.

“I think we can manage that,” Castiel laughs.

His heart is light. But in the deep recesses of his mind… he still wishes Dean could share these moments with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> Another short chapter on this two for one Friday. Let me know what you guys think! Until next Friday! Stay safe, stay healthy!


	18. Chapter 18

July 30, 2015

Dean 

Dean stands to the side while he waits for Sam to knock on the door of the late Jimmy Novak’s home, emotions oscillating between wanting to puke and laughing uncontrollably. His anxiety is spiraling out of control and his chest feels so tight it feels like he’s on the verge of a heart attack. Maybe Sammy was right about that bacon cheeseburger for lunch, he feels it churn in his gut and wonders if puking in the bushes would be a bad impression after eight years. It’d probably make him feel a lot better. 

The closer to the house they got, the more Dean could hear a loud argument between a female voice and Castiel’s deep one. It’s a beautiful home with a large wrap around porch. Castiel probably likes taking his coffee out here in the morning, sipping and watching the cars go by. 

“Well, here goes nothing,” Sam mutters and knocks. 

“Hello! I was wondering how long it was going to take you two to knock,” a chipper young man says popping around the corner of the house, “They aren’t going to hear you. Claire is venting her frustrations. You can sit out here with me for the time being. It’ll be safer.” 

“Jack!” Sam calls and goes to hug the younger man. 

“Hello Sam,” he returns his brother's hug easily and Dean is only a little jealous that his brother knows Castiel’s life so intimately. The young man gives Dean an awkward wave. 

“This is my brother Dean,” Sam introduces leaning against the railing of the wrap around porch. 

“I assumed so, I recognized his face,” Jack nods serenely, “Cas has a picture of Sam’s undergrad graduation on the mantle.” 

A flash of hope flicks Dean so quickly, Castiel can’t hate his guts too much if his face resides on the mantle… right? Jack swings easily on the swing, but stops and moves over, “Here, Dean, you can sit.” 

Dean nods sitting next to the kid, clearing his throat, “When will it be safe?”

“She’ll eventually stomp upstairs and turn on the “angry girl rock”,” Jack comments, “That’s when it’s safe to go inside.” 

“Has there been a lot of fighting?” Sam asks. 

“Yes, she’s pretty angry that Cas let her stay in the juvenile detention center all weekend,” Jack responds, “I think he’s worried that she's going to run away. I don’t know much, she threw a book at my head this morning, so I’ve been hiding outside whenever Castiel tries to reason with her.” 

Jack and Dean swing easily, Dean wringing his hands and too deep in his own thoughts to follow the conversation between Jack and Sam. His folded letter tucked into the old copy of North & South in the back pocket of his jeans. He feels like the biggest jackass in the entire world. What happens if Cas just laughs him off? Does Cas hate him? Dean hates himself a little, he’s screwed eight years away where he could have been with Cas the entire time. A misunderstanding that snowballed into a mountain over time. 

The sound of breaking glass has Dean up and into the house before he can think about the ramifications. Dean bursts into the kitchen with Sam and Jack close behind. Cas is laying face down on the tile floor, a shattered drinking glass close to one of his hands. His face is white and pinched with pain.

“Uncle Cas! I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have pushed you,” Claire cries pulling at a sleeve trying to help Cas up. 

“No! You’ve done enough!” Jack shouts and steps between Cas and Claire, “He just had surgery last week, Claire! Why don’t you give him a break!?” 

“Jack,” Sam scolds and pulls Claire away from the mess. She’s crying, Jack looks like he’s going to attack her, and so Dean leaves Sam to deal with teenage drama. 

“Hey, man,” Dean says, squatting down with a kitchen towel to sweep the shards of glass away gingerly, “Think you can get up?” 

“Yes, I was just unsteady on my feet putting the glass in the sink,” Cas sighs, not quite meeting Dean's eyes, “Caught myself with my hands mostly.” 

“I can see that,” Dean clears his throat, “Here, come on, I got you.” 

Feeling awkward, Dean helps Castiel get up to standing the way he’s been trained as an EMT/Firefighter. First by pulling Cas up onto his knees by hips. He steadies Cas to standing by grasping his forearms. Every point of contact makes his hands tingle and he can feel that his face is on fire. 

“I’m not 80 years old,” Cas grits out. Dean pulls a kitchen chair out and motions Cas to sit down.

“Says the man who just had hip surgery,” Dean quips back, “Let me see your hands.” 

Presenting his hands to Dean, Cas turns to a shame faced Claire and a furious Jack, “Claire, please go to your room. We’ll finish our conversation later. Jack, I need you to go get the rubbing alcohol and a pair of tweezers. I think they are in the second bathroom.” 

“I’ve got my bag in the car, I'll get the supplies,” Dean states and hightails it out of the kitchen. 

With jerky movements, Dean quickly walks out of the room. He’s got to control himself, try to rein in his nervous energy. Taking deep breaths, he gets his first responder backpack from the Impala’s trunk and slings it over the shoulder. He’s a mess and Cas’ hands could be a mess. So he’s just going to focus on Castiel’s hands. Prioritize the problems. 

He walks back into the kitchen, washes his hands quickly and keeps his head down and makes quick work of laying things out on the kitchen table. Sam is talking quietly to Cas while Jack is huffing at the other end of the kitchen table. Claire, Dean assumes, is upstairs in her room.

Snapping on gloves and then reaching out towards Castiel’s hands. Dean assesses the damage, not bad… just one large shard that’s bleeding and a few slivers in one hand. Dean makes quick work and Cas is glass free shortly after he started. He wipes Cas’ hands down with alcohol one more time, bringing them close to his face to inspect that he didn’t miss anything. A thought forms that Castiel’s hands are the same, same strong beautiful hands. Cas tugs them away sharply. 

“That could have been worse,” Dean comments rolling his gloves down. 

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas quietly says, not quite looking at him either. 

“Yeah, sure, no problem,” Dean replies. 

Finally, Dean raises his eyes to look unobtrusively at Castiel. Pretending to follow the conversation, he looks back and forth between his brother and Castiel whenever they speak. His Cas is the same and yet so different. His hair is still wild and mostly dark, but grey hairs are speckled through at his temples and throughout his short scruffy beard. His hair is still wild and looks like he’s just been fucked, but God… those grey hairs twist arousal deep in his groin. The term silver fox floats in his mind and Dean swallows an uncharacteristic giggle. The lines Dean saw eight years ago are still there just a little deeper around the eyes, but his skin is bronzed and beautiful. His eyes are still the crystalline blue and his lips are still wide and beautifully lined. 

Dean’s heart beats louder and out of sync, after all this time… Castiel Novak is so handsome. 

“Cas,” Jack calls, interrupting the conversation happening around Dean, “Lets move to the living room. So you can sit on the couch.”

The men move to the living room, Sam and Cas talking about legalities of Claires’ case. He thinks Cas thanks them both for coming, which Dean just nods and smiles but really Dean doesn’t listen too closely. He hangs back, feeling unsure. He sits next to Sam, hugs a pillow to his chest and plays with stitching.

“How’s Emma?” Cas asks and Dean looks up so fast he thinks he might have whiplash. 

Clearing his throat, “She’s good. She’s umm… she’ll be going into the fourth grade. She’s trying to convince Bobby and I to get chickens.” 

Cas smiles kindly, “Chickens are an interesting pet choice.” 

“That’s because Dean doesn’t like dogs,” Sam scoffs, “Poor girl plays with the dog the entire time she stays over at our house.” 

“It's not a crime to dislike dogs, Sammy,” Dean angrily mumbles.

“We used to have a cat,” Jack comments sadly with a little sass, “Zeppelin was a great cat but we had to rehome her when we moved here.  _ Claire _ is deathly allergic.” 

Cas lets out a long sigh and rubs his good hand down his face, “Jack.” 

“I know,” Jack grumbles, “I know. She just… she just makes me so mad. We’ve changed everything and she just… she just hates everything about us. We try to make her happy.” 

“I imagine losing both her parents has been hard,” Sam says diplomatically. 

“And I get it!” Jack exclaims, “I get it! It’s hard being an orphan.  _ I know _ . But, I’ve never had parents besides Cas… and she just throws all his attempts back at his face and I am getting so tired of it! She should be happy. She didn’t go into a foster home, she’s with Cas.” 

“And Cas looks just like her Dad,” Dean blurts, “It’s the same, but different and that’s gotta fuck with her head.” 

“Language, Dean,” Cas automatically scolds and then blushes brilliantly, “I mean…uh... Dean has a point. It’s been a tough year for all of us and this past few weeks haven’t been easy. Just have patience, Jack.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Jack mumbles while Cas pulls him into a side hug and kisses his forehead, “Can I order pizza and go pick it up?”

“Sure,” Cas smiles, “Wear your seatbelt.”

When Jack runs off, not bothering to ask about toppings, Cas turns to brothers and holds Dean’s eyes a little longer than before. 

“He just got his license, wasn’t interested in learning to drive in Cicero, and now I can’t keep him out of the car. Wants to run all of our errands,” Cas says softly and mostly to Dean. 

“He’s grown since I last saw him,” Sam comments stretching out next to Dean, “How’s he taking the change? For real, you don’t tell me much when I call.” 

“He didn’t make any friends at school this year,” Cas lets out a deep sigh, “I think part of him thinks we will be going back to Cicero, I can’t blame him when a part of me thinks we’ll also go back. It’s just hard, because Claire is refusing to go through her parents' things and I feel moving her from this house will break her even more.” 

“Where do you want to be?” Sams asks. 

Cas lets out a dry laugh and shrugs, “I haven’t the faintest idea. Right now, I’m living on what Jimmy left me and trying to keep my head above water. The college has moved all my classes online which I’m incredibly grateful for.” 

They fall into a small awkward silence, Dean picking at the pillow and Sam clearing his throat obnoxiously every few minutes. 

“I’m going to go talk to Claire about how to approach her situation legally,” Sam states getting up and leaving the room quickly. 

“Dean,” Cas’ voice is deep and it moves inside Dean’s chest, soothing him and settles right next to his heart. Dean closes his eyes and lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. When he opens his eyes, Cas is sitting in the spot Sam vacated. 

“I…” Cas starts, “I didn’t expect to see you when I talked with Sam. I didn’t even think Sam was coming.” 

“I’m sorry,” Dean blurts out, “I know I’m the last person you want to see. Fuck, Cas. I’m so sorry. Jess, and well Sam too, they convinced me to come. I didn’t want to impose-”

“You’re not imposing, it’s good to see you. In a way I’m happy to see you,” Cas interrupts. 

Dean nods, caught up in Cas’ blue eyes, “I’m… I’m sorry, Cas.” 

With a quirk of the lips, Cas tilts his head to the side in puzzlement and in that moment Dean is blasted into the past. He can see Cas sitting across from him almost every Saturday morning in that shitty diner back in Sioux Falls, working on his Saturday night sermons. Head tilt, small smile in place, eyes filled with laughter while Dean regaled him with some story about work. 

They loved each other then and Dean feels acutely for those young men frozen in memory on a Saturday morning.

Dean has loved this man, and in his soul he still loves this man, and he hurts thinking that maybe he’s missed his opportunity. He acknowledges that maybe he lost his chance at love. 

“I fucked up and I’m sorry. I didn’t read your letters because… well, because I was angry. I think I didn’t hear what you were saying or… I don’t know. But, I was mad that you didn’t want to be with me when we left Montana,” Dean states slowly.

Cas looks at Dean. Eyes round, lips apart in shock. 

“We had that conversation. God, forever ago… and all I remember from it was how I felt. That we weren’t going anywhere. That we were doing nothing and that we were nothing to each other. And… man, that’s what I’ve latched onto like a shield until I broke down and read the letters,” Dean’s voice unsteady but he continues on, “I read the letters, Cas, and I realized that I am the biggest idiot. We had that conversation about Emma but I wasn’t listening. I was hurt and expecting you to reject me anyways even after spending a week with you. And you were trying to tell me that we couldn’t do anything right then and there. And god, Cas… if I could go back in time.” 

“Dean.” 

“I’m sorry it took me so long to say this, Cas, I’m so sorry,” hot tears spill from Dean’s eyes and he dashes them away with the heel of his hand. 

Dean can feel his heartbeat, a loud tattoo sitting in the hollow of his chest, and Cas is just staring at him, staring at him and not saying anything. He doesn’t know how long they sit there staring at each other until Cas breaks the weighty silence. 

“We’ve both hurt each other greatly,” Cas says quietly and looks away. 

“Yeah, but-”

“No, Dean. I hurt you greatly after your father’s memorial. It is my fault, ultimately, that we have kept wounding each other over the years,” Cas interrupts and his voice is sharp like a whip. 

“Cas,” Dean reaches out, but hesitant and pulls back at the last minute. 

“Let us both forgive and move on,” Cas states with a steady voice, nodding his own head in agreement. He gets up and leaves Dean on the couch. 

Dean curls his hands around the silly pillow, working his bottom lip between his teeth. He quickly brushes the tears that gather on his lower lids. 

A glass of water is placed on the coffee table in front of him and warm hands frame his face, lightly smelling of rubbing alcohol. Dean closes his eyes, soaking in the warmth that radiates from those hands. He feels Cas’ thumb brush over his eyebrows, down his nose, and over his top lip. 

“PIZZA!” Jack shouts from the kitchen, jerking the two men apart. 

When Dean gets up from the couch, Cas pulls Dean into a long hug. Castiel’s shorter frame pressed up against his, arms anchored on his back, fingers wide, and eyes closed. A real hug. A coming home hug. A hug that harkens to their past. 

“I’m so glad you are here, Dean,” Castiel murmurs into Dean’s neck, his lips ghosting against Dean’s skin. 

Clearing the emotion from his throat and relaxing into Cas’ arms, Dean responds; “Me too.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> Fun fact, this is my favorite chapter & there is a sentence written in this chapter that is my favorite sentence. Guess which one? ;)


	19. Chapter 19

July 30, 2015  
Dean

Sam and Dean stay at Cas’ house late that night, drinking beer and old Western movies playing in the background. There is more laughing, talking, and catching up with what’s going on in their lives. Cas talks a lot about his students and his youth ministry in Cicero. He talks about his little Craftsman house with its built in bookshelves and the huge fireplace. He talks about Jimmy and how he misses his twin. It’s obvious that he wishes he’s still living in Cicero but is managing in Pontiac because that is what Jimmy would have wanted.

“Do you ever run into Daphne at church?” His brother asks quietly when he thinks Dean can’t hear, he’s left the room but is lingering outside of the door being nosey.

“I did for a while,” Cas says slowly letting out a large sigh, “She was frostily friendly but has moved on and married. She’s living in Colorado now. I don’t blame her, I should have been honest with her in the beginning that I was in the process of laicization.”

“Yeah, but I honestly think she overreacted, you’re not a priest anymore. You never did tell me, did you get your letter from Rome yet?”

“Yes, shortly after Jimmy died. It was not a good month,” Castiel laughs bitterly.

“God, Cas, you deserve a win,” Sam comments quietly.

Dean can hear Cas’ beer bottle thunk on the table and there is a heavy pause in the room before he hears Castiel’s deep rumble say, “I consider your brother coming back into my life a win.”

“Yeah? What are you going to do?”

“I have the faintest idea, I’d be happy with the prospect of being friends again,” Cas admits.

Dean's heart sinks and he trudges off to the bathroom, listening to others' conversations never pays off… he always tells Emma that but he’s never experienced it first hand. He didn’t think they’d jump into a relationship but… Dean decides he can work with a friendship. They were friends long before they were ever lovers.

Stupidly, or brilliantly, he winds up in Castiel’s bedroom. Feeling brave, Dean pulls out the letter he wrote and the small pocket edition book Castiel let him borrow almost twenty years ago, he leaves it on Castiel’s nightstand on top of a familiar worn bible. Hesitating, he palms the little book, it’s been his companion for quite some time and he’s sad to see it go. John Thornton and Margaret Hale were his friends when he didn’t have any. But it doesn’t quite feel right to keep Castiel’s book anymore. The letter slotted between their pages is Dean’s own love story for Castiel. He’s so tempted to leave the letter too but in a moment of self doubt, Dean grabs the letter and shoves it in his pocket.

He finds himself in the kitchen, quickly tearing the letter in half and putting in the garbage. He’s already said what needed to be said to Cas, he doesn’t need to complicate it more with grand declarations of love. They need to go slow and saying that you’ll love a person until you take your last breath is the exact opposite of slow.

“You ok, Dean?” Cas asks, his hands full of empty bottles and eyes full of concern.

“Yeah, buddy, I’m fine,” Dean states grabbing some of the bottles from Cas and putting them in the recycling, “I think it’s time we head out.”

Castiel looks faintly disappointed but covers it up with a quick twitch of the lips. Dean gathers his big moose of a brother and goodbyes to Castiel, promising to come back tomorrow. They had planned to stay the weekend anyways. Cas hugs both Dean and Sam, long hugs and Dean breathes Castiel’s scent deeply.

Dean can’t help but to stop at an all night liquor store on his way to the hotel, buying a large bottle of Woodford Reserve.

“Get ice,” is all he says to Sam holding out the bucket and throwing himself on one of the beds. Sam makes a noise of disapproval at him but stays silent. Throwing an arm over his eyes, Dean breathes deeply and out… he’s not going to drink the entire bottle, he tells himself sternly. Just one or two glasses to take the edge off. Everything is fine, everything is good. He should be happy that Cas is at least talking to him. He is happy with that. This is a win, this is the best scenario he can think of after they have fucked each other repeatedly over the past two decades.

Slowly and methodically, he keeps his breathing steady in and out, emptying his mind until he’s drifting in and out of a light sleep. The room smells stale and he’s laying on top of the comforter, but he tells himself that everything will be ok.

He hears Sam come back into the hotel room, the ice hitting the glass, and the subsequent pour of liquor into a cup. A cold glass is pressed into his hands. Murmuring a thank you, he lays there for a few more minutes. Running the pads of his fingers over the condensation, grounding him from his mind hurling its way into anxiety.

“Why did you throw away your letter?”

His languid form instantly seizing and jackknifing into a sitting up position, spilling some of the amber liquid from the glass, he looks up to meet Castiel’s gaze.

“It was a beautiful letter,” Cas says quietly.

“You went dumpster diving?” Dean chokes out.

“I was curious,” he quips.

“We already said what needed to be said, the letter didn’t add much,” Dean says, taking a long pull of his glass. He can’t meet Castiel’s gaze at first, but slowly he lets his eyes wander up. He takes in Cas’ sneakers, the ratty sweatpants he must have changed into, and the stretched t-shirt showing off a few chest hairs peeking over the top. The soft fabric emphasisesCastiel’s strong thighs the shape of his cock. The instant desire he feels makes his mouth go dry so he takes another sip of the smooth liquid.

Castiel hums quietly, watching Dean with soft eyes. They stay like that, staring at each other for God knows how long. Castiel sitting on Sam’s bed, their knees almost touching.

“I love you, too,” Cas interrupts the silence, “But we can’t go back to what we were, it was toxic.”

“Agreed,” Dean grunts, the word mostly residing deep in his chest.

“We have to be honest with each other,” Cas states seriously.

“Yeah, I know,” grunting again like a caveman. He puts his glass on the dresser in between the beds and stands in-between Cas’ knees. Cupping his hands around Castiel’s face, fiddling with the fine curls as the base of his neck. He tips Castiel’s face up with finger and thumb, placing the softest chaste kiss on those wide lips.

“We are going to date,” Castiel says reasonably after Dean’s soft kiss, “And go slow, I won’t have a repeat of Montana. All sex and no real talking. Regardless, I can’t have sex for twelve weeks anyways. My orthopedic surgeon would be displeased.”

“That sounds great, Cas,” Dean states as Cas runs his hands down his arms and circling his hands around Dean’s wrists. Dean plants another soft kiss on Cas’ lips. Then another soft kiss on the cheek, then the other. Dean presses his lips all over Castiel’s face.

_“Dean Winchester, are you listening to me?”_

“Yes, sunshine, I’m listening,” Dean chuckles pressing his lips against Castiel’s pursed ones. He can see the amusement in Castiel’s eyes and it makes Dean giddily happy.

“Then what am I saying?”

“We are going to date long distance in the beginning,” Dean kisses Cas with every pause of his words sweetly, “We are going to go out to eat, and to movies, and go star gazing and whatever cheesy dates you want to do… _(kiss)_ …we are going to have amazing sex after you are all healed up… _(a longer kiss full of promise)_ …but ultimately we are going to take things slow and learn about each other again and we’ll bicker like an old married couple the entire time.”

Another kiss, a small touch of his tongue against Castiel’s parted lips.

“You truly want that?” Soft and timid question spoken between their lips.

“More than anything, yes,” Dean states, kissing Castiel more deeply as their tongues tangle. Castiel lets out soft moans that give Dean goosebumps. The grip on his wrists tighten when Dean cards his fingers through Castiel’s hair, angling his head just right to flick his tongue into Castiel’s wet heat.

“Is Sam coming back?” Dean asks.

“Uh no,” Castiel chuckles, “I gave him my keys, he’s taking my car back to my house and sleeping there.”

Dean lets out a whistle of approval, “For a man wanting to take it slow, that was a ballsy move, Castiel Novak.”

Cas shrugs and smiles, eyes crinkling and nose wrinkled, “I figured we could make out.”

Laughing until tears form in his eyes, Dean can’t think of anything better.

* * *

  
November 6, 2015  
Castiel

Twelve weeks of mandated celibacy pass at a snail's pace. Each visit is sweet torture. Dean comes up to Pontiac or Castiel goes down to Lawrence a few times. It’s a long time to wait in some ways and in other ways, it isn’t. They date, just like Dean talked about and they talk every night, video calling a few times a week. They fill in the blanks, the last eight years laid down at each other's feet. Dean’s celibacy, Castiel’s paramours; Hannah, April, and even Daphne. Castiel shares his laicization papers declaring him no longer a priest. No secrets are left unturned.

When it’s Dean’s turn to come visit Pontiac, Castiel makes arrangements for the kids to be out of the house for the night. A low thrum of arousal carries him the entire day, waiting for Dean to arrive. It’s been so long and he’s nervously excited. He dressed carefully, dinner is simmering in the crockpot, fresh sheets on the bed, beers in the fridge, and a new bottle of lube to go. They’ve been teasing each other with texts and pictures. It’s been completely filthy and the most fun he’s ever had.

When he opens the door for Dean, he doesn’t quite expect to be pushed almost violently against the nearest wall and the door to slam loudly behind Dean. Hands tearing at his clothes, mouth attacking and bruising. He lets out a small laugh, making Dean bite hard on his neck. Laughter turning into low groans of need. Dean rips off Castiel’s belt, throwing it across the room. It lands somewhere with a loud clunk. Dean pulls his shirt off from the back of his collar like a damn porn star and fucks Castiel’s mouth with his tongue. His lips bruising, his hair being used to move his head exactly where Dean wants it.

It's filthy and Castiel can only hold on for the ride.

“You’re going to fuck me, but first I gotta get my mouth on you, wanna taste you” Dean growls against Castiel’s lips and palms Castiel’s erection.

“Ok,” Castiel stutters out, more of a moan than actually a word.

Dropping to his knees, Dean makes quick work of Castiel’s zipper and pants. Licking his swollen lips, he flicks his tongue over the slit of Castiel’s head before swallowing him down to the root. A quick tongue with spit soaked, kiss bruised lips worships his cock. Swirling around his head and sucking, a steady hand grasping and pumping him. Castiel is panting, legs quivering, and gripping Dean’s hair tight.

“Gotta stop,” he groans out pulling on Dean’s head.

With a loud pop of his lips and tongue, Dean lets him go. Nestling his nose in the crook of Castiel’s leg and planting a devastating kiss there. Castiel looks down at Dean, his heartbeat hammering so loudly in his ears and his body singing and curling so close to completion. Dean smirks up at Cas, his hands roaming to squeeze Castiel’s cheeks. Green eyes filled with mischief, arousal, and love are framed by the scattered freckles. Dean kisses his lower abs and flicks his tongue into his belly button, causing quiet laughter between the two men.

When Dean gets to his feet, Castiel kisses him… tongue delving in and tasting his own briny taste on Dean’s tongue. They make their way towards the couch. Touching, caressing, leaving articles of clothing in their wake. Both cooling down from the desperation earlier. Dean pausing to grab a bottle of lube from his overnight bag by the door. Castiel palms the warm globes of Dean’s ass and delve between to the very core of him. His long fingers slicked with lube work Dean open slowly.

It’s not long until Dean is reduced to babbling and broken moans; _Hurry, Cas, fuck, open me up, those big fucking fingers of yours, fuck, please, been so long, going to feel so good, please, please, want your cock so bad, Cas, Cas, fuck me._

When Castiel sinks into Dean, tight wet heat enveloping him, his babbling reduces to single words _Cas, fuck, please, Cas_. The sounds of Cas’ cock pistoning into Dean’s channel, loud breathing, and moans fill Castiel’s ears. Dean’s thighs are shaking underneath him, his erection trapped between them leaking. His face, chest, and arms brilliantly red making the freckles stand out even more. Rosy and shiny lips hang open. Eyes locked onto each other.

All Castiel sees is Dean and all he feels is Dean… and it’s _glorious_.

Castiel sets a deep pace, ensuring that his cock is brushing Dean’s prostate with every thrust. Losing his mind, more obscenities fall from Dean’s lips. Castiel reaches between them, jerkily jacking Dean, wanting this man to fully come undone beneath him. When Dean comes with a sharp cry, locking up and clenching down on Castiel, Castiel is momentarily blinded by the intensity of his own surprise release.

Sweaty flesh tangles together, and Castiel rests bonelessly against Dean. His erection softening and slipping out of Dean, squishing against the man. Dean hums in pleasure, his fingertips running down the knobs of Castiel’s spine.

“That was intense,” Castiel rumbles out against Dean’s ear.

“Yeah, we need to shower,” Dean huffs out, “I’m leaking jizz onto your sofa.”

Groaning against moving, Castiel snuffles deeper into the crook of Dean’s neck. Dean continues to make rumbly happy noises, kissing Castiel’s temple. They lie like that, skin cooling and basking in the afternoon sun filtering through the window. Castiel even drifts into a light sleep, Dean’s arms wrapped around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> Only the epilogue left! :)


	20. Chapter 20

November 27, 2016  
Castiel

“I’d like to go on a Sunday drive,” Castiel states to Dean, the two men are sitting on Dean’s front porch watching Sam teach his second youngest to ride his bike. Emma and her cousins are bundled up playing on their bikes, skateboards, and skates. It’s sunny and a bit cold and they are wrapped up together under an afghan Castiel knitted a few years ago. Castiel isn’t quite sure where he ends and Dean begins.

“Sure, let me go warm up my Baby,” Dean smiles unraveling himself and kisses Castiel’s temple. He tucks the blankets back around Castiel and blows a raspberry into the man’s neck for giggles. Castiel laughs him off and watches him saunter off to the Impala. With a saucy wink and exaggerated air kiss, Dean revs up the engine a few times making Cas roll his eyes. The children cheer and he does it a few more times.

Dean Winchester is a man child, but Castiel wouldn’t have him any other way.

When they are ready to go, they leave Sam in charge of the kids. Castiel huddles up close to Dean on the worn leather bench seat. Dean throws an arm behind him, pulling him even closer. The two are pressed against each other, shoulder to hip to knees. The warmth radiating from Dean is heady and it makes Castiel thank God for this opportunity to be with Dean after so many years.

“Go down 59 out towards Baldwin,” Castiel directs, placing a hand on Dean’s inner thigh, playing with the seam along the beautiful bowed leg. Dean nods and they make their way out of the city towards the back roads. It’s scenic and allows Castiel unabashedly stare at the man next to him.

Tempted to reach out and touch the freckles and the laugh lines around his eyes, Castiel can’t help but to think that Dean becomes more beautiful with age. At thirty-seven to his forty-six, they are very different from the men they were at seventeen and twenty-six. Castiel watches as Dean’s hand flexes as he moves the steering wheel and taps along to the beat of Led Zeppelin’s “Ramble On” playing in the background.

They’ve come a long way. Though, sometimes they still have difficulties with effective communication. Fights happen, but they always circle back when things have cooled. Most of the time, Castiel longs to be with Dean and his frustration being so far away has been the source of aggravation the past year.

“Are you bringing me out to the boonies to kill me?”

“Yes, I’m going to kill you out here and then dump your body in Stull Cemetery,” Castiel deadpans, “Take a left here.”

“Hmmmm, rookie move. You should really keep the kill and dump site the same,” Dean ribs back and Castiel just stares at him, unblinking. It makes Dean chuckle.

Castiel brings them out to a beautiful part of the country, gravel roads and trees break up the farming fields. They are only 30 minutes away from Dean’s work in central Lawrence, Castiel checked, but it’s beautiful, peaceful, and slower than the city.

“Take a right, Dean.”

“Sure thing, sunshine. I have no idea where we are going.”

Castiel hums, squeezing Dean’s thigh as his lover huffs in annoyance. When they pull up to a slightly dilapidated Victorian farmhouse that sits between two large black walnut trees, Dean stops and looks through the window. He’s resting both hands on the steering wheel now, gazing at the house with his nose scrunched up.

The white house is large, built to house a large family that could work the surrounding fields. Six bedrooms all with fireplaces, three bathrooms, and a large kitchen added during the Second World War.The ground floor perfectly laid out, one room leading to another in a circular pattern. He toured the house with the realtor the last time he visited, amazed that the old Victorian charm was still evident. High vaulted ceilings and bookcase built-in frame the main fireplace. Castiel could see the potential and with Dean’s help anything is possible.

“Wow,” he comments, “Think that sucker is haunted?”

“Most likely,” Castiel laughs and pulls Dean’s hand into his, “I hope you know how to get rid of a few ghosts.”

“What? Why?”

“I bought it,” Castiel states softly, running the tips of his fingers of his other hand over their joined hands.

“You bought this house?” Dean asks slowly. His eyes blink owlishly between the house and Castiel.

“Yes, it’s mine and I’m hoping it will be yours too,” Castiel responds.

“Cas,” Dean starts looking seriously into Castiel’s eyes, “Castiel Novak- you bought a house in Kansas. You bought a house for us.”

“Yes, Dean Winchester. I bought a farmhouse that may be haunted for us to live in. It’s huge. There are six large bedrooms. I want to restore it with you.”

“You're Notebooking me.”

“ _Dean_ , I don’t understand that reference.”

“Cas. _The Notebook_ , man, you’ve heard of The Notebook. He writes her letters and restores a house. You are Notebooking me right now,” Dean guffaws.

“No, I’m asking you to marry me and restore this house with me so we can live together and banter like this for the rest of our days,” Castiel snarks untangling his hand and angrily reaching into his jean pocket for the hidden ring.

_“What?”_

Groaning and wiping his face with hands, Castiel turns completely towards Dean. Staring into those verdant green eyes, Castiel’s irritation melts. The whole situation would be absolutely comical if Dean wasn’t so frustrating. He shows the white gold band to Dean, holding it between them.

“Dean Winchester, will you marry me and eventually live in this haunted house with me?”

“Cas-”

“Dean, it’s been twenty years. I’ve loved you for twenty years, let me love you for the next twenty and for the twenty after that. I love you, Dean. I want to marry you. I don’t want to date long distance anymore and so I bought a house in Kansas,” Castiel states cupping the side of Dean’s face and placing a soft kiss on his lips. Dean slips the ring on his finger and stares at the ring for a moment before looking back up at Castiel.

“Jack? Claire?” Dean croaks out.

“Once the house is done, I’ll be moving them down here if they don’t move out for college,” replies Castiel.

“Your job?”

“Dean,” Castiel's head falls and he lets out a groan against Dean’s shoulder, “This is a proposal. Yes or no?”

“Of course,” Dean replies, “Of course, I’ll marry you. No question, no engagement. We can go to the courthouse tomorrow and fill out the paperwork if you want. Get married Tuesday.”

“Yeah?” Castiel smiles huge, “That actually sounds like a good idea. Skip the wedding and just elope at the courthouse.”

“I have some good ideas,” Dean cockily replies and kisses Castiel while smiling, “We will have to get a band for you before Tuesday.”

Castiel hums in agreement, chasing his plush lover's lips. He works Dean’s bottom lip between his teeth causing the other man to moan. A flick of a tongue, a heady roll against Dean’s palate and the other man is panting. Castiel’s hands wander, into Dean’s hair, down his arms, and back into his hair. Dean cradles his face, running his fingers along the stubble of his jaw.

“I love you.”

“And I love you,” Dean whispers against Castiel’s lip, “To the next twenty and to the twenty after that.”

-The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> And that's it! Thank you all for reading and reviewing and commenting. I appreciate all of you and hope that you've enjoyed reading Twenty Years. Much love!


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